meal prep? you mean putting on a bib?
You Might Also Like
My old classmates said I look the same as I looked 25 years ago.
I still look like a dork y’all 🙈
Today I worked from home, ran 10 miles, homeschooled my kids, cleaned the house, made a delicious dinner, and got my kids to bed early. It’s amazing what you can accomplish when you lie.
Why do some people call it a “tuna-fish” sandwich? It’s not like anyone calls it a “chicken-bird” sandwich.
Liquor Store Parking
*watching The Revenant*
*rewind*
*play*
*rewind*
*play*
*rewind*
*play*Him: What are you doing?
Me: Taking notes for when I fight a bear.
*keeps opening fridge even though I know there’s nothing good in there*
Me: why do I keep doing this, lol
*opens twitter*
My dog just saved my life by ferociously barking at nothing outside.
if you think electrolytes are good you should try the electroheavies
doctor: im afraid u only have a few minutes left to live
me: [sobs] oh my god are u sure
doctor: [pulls out gun] im totally sure
Spider-man never tweets via iPhone. He’s a web kinda guy.
You know those people who get all excited and lovey with puppies at pet stores?
Same. But I’m in a liquor store.
just saw a guy pull down his sunglasses and look at a firetruck go by like a sexy lady in an 80s movie
Gym memberships are for people who don’t have toddler toys all over the house to pick up.
Being in your 30s is kinda like do I have Covid or is this just the way my body feels now
Hey feminists, 70% of a penny for your thoughts?
10 just informed me that exercising releases inner-dolphins. If that’s not a reason to exercise, then I don’t know what is.
Ok, I know pandemics are bad … but have you ever run out of tequila?
I recently got a tattoo with Chinese symbols that reads, “I don’t know. I don’t speak Chinese.”
Then when people ask me what it means…
me: I’m into essential oils
pal: oh yeah, what’s ur favourite
me: canola
*does a bunch of math problems while doing sit ups*
*checks for abacus*
me: omg did you just steal that from the kitchenware department? you could’ve got caught!
him: what can I say, I’m a whisk taker
The heavy sighs are coming from inside the kitchen. A passive aggressive horror story
if you have over 100 followers there is a secret group of people who meet once a week to throw darts at a picture of your face
Pete: I’m Pete
Peter: I’m Peter
Me, competitive: I’m Petest
2 years later
Wife: There’s a spider in the kids’ bedroom
Me: I’ll take care of it
*raises spider like one of my own*
*has a little cry when it graduates*
Huge respect for Parasite, but Ford v Ferrari deserved to win just for the opening scene
HYPNOTIST: YOU ARE FEELING SLEEPY
ME: kinda safe bet there
HYPNOTIST: YOU WILL DANCE LIKE AN OCTOPUS
ME: again, still no surprises.
“If you’re having girl? Problems. I feel bad. For you? Son.” -Russian guy telling his pregnant wife he hopes it’s a boy.