Oh, you’re a politician? Name all the politics
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If you replace “umbrella” with “Nutella” in Rihanna’s song, the song still works, if not more so.
how many times did you see your kids tonight after you put them to bed and why is it 87 times?
I’d like to pay my .30 library fine with two credit cards please.
Cops call their dogs K-9 because if they call K-10,
then it’s a cat.
Interviewer: Why did you bring a lawyer to a job interview?
My lawyer: You don’t have to answer that
I don’t mean to brag but I’m a lot more trouble than I’m worth.
911! I just murdered a bunch of people
911: omg on purpose?
Hang on lemme ask,
did I murder anyone by mistake?..
No one is answering, So..
*seductively slides hand along store shelf to distract you*
*grabs last bag of Cheetos*
*tucks, rolls, and runs away*
Watching cartoons with my son is awesome except for all the commercials & now his Christmas list has 26,724 things on it. Shit.
I explained ‘gluten allergy’ to my grandma and she sighed and told me they ate leather belts during WWII to keep from starving
Does this thing get good gas mileage?
-my husband being kidnapped
yes, sharks can outswim you. but you can outrun sharks. so far in a triathlon you’re square. all comes down to who’s the faster cyclist
Education is vital
My cat is bilingual. He ignores me in both English and Spanish.
It’s that time of year again where I go to random restaurants to tell random women, “So this is why you cancelled our date” while they’re out with their significant others
To the girl with the nazi swastika avi that just rt’d me…… You just rt’d a Jew!!!! Enjoy your evening shalom
First date
Her: Wow this place is posh
Me: *clicks fingers* Garçon, we’d like to order food
Waiter: Entrées?
Me: No, on plates, you fool
I blame our unhappy marriage on my wife mostly because of her poor choice in men.
Me: You should have been more specific
Wife: When I said fill my car up, obviously I meant fuel
Me: ok that does make more sense
I don’t care about Disney lying about my Prince Charming. I’m more pissed about forest creatures and their unwillingness to clean my house.
regrets?
[thinks back to the time i drunkenly watched Spy Kids 3-D & it forever ruined my netflix recommendations]
yeah i’ve got regrets
God: sends you to hell for aborting your ‘child’.
God: killed his only son.
And that, ladies & gentlemen, is religion in a nutshell.
The groom watches his bride slowly raise the hem of her beautiful lace gown in preparation for the garter game revealing a giant pair of shiny red clown shoes and suddenly the line about “in circus and in health” made perfect sense.
The only thing I’ve learned from scary movies is to avoid pale children
I wish I was as committed to anything the way infomercial actors are committed to over dramatizing their reaction to household chores.
[phone call with ex]
Me: you want to hang out tonight?
Ex: sure. When & where?
Me: no, we’re not going. It’s enough just to know you would.
I can’t believe this dog and a whole family just died because of a forgotten comma
“You can’t come in here with a dog.”
“I’m blind. It’s my seeing eye dog.”
“No way. They don’t breed Chihuahua service dogs.”
“They gave me a Chihuahua?”
Do robots dream of electric sheep?