[Coworker] Are you smiling at your stapler?
No, just checking for spinach [Laughs nervously].
Oh, good.
[Me, to stapler] Sorry baby I had to
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My mum tells me that she turns the internet off when she goes to bed, incase you’re wondering why your screen just went blank.
COP: do you know why I pulled you over?
COP’S WIFE: *now next to him on the couch* Because you’re scared of the movie
COP: Yes it’s too real
You’re officially old when the lady who cuts your hair starts asking you if you would like her to trim your eyebrows and ears
…yes please
[talking to life insurance agent]
Let me get this right. I pay you until I die, then someone ELSE gets the money? No thanks.
I put a potato down my pants to impress a girl. Next time I’ll put it down the front.
[Invention of the airplane]
Wilbur: We’re ready
Orville: I’m still skeptical about this working
Wilbur: Hey, do you want to fight the moon or not?
Orville: *angrily making a fist* Let’s go
That job interview was going so well until I realized I was fucked up on acid in the middle of a cornfield naked and talking to a scarecrow.
ME: we can probably take our masks off now since we’re outside
BANK ROBBER: you massive idiot
adulthood means trying to convince yourself the font is just too small and it isn’t your eyesight going bad
If at first you don’t succeed, try two more times so your failure is statistically significant.
When you don’t understand how floors work
I’m really hoping. .. . .
My son doesn’t ask why
the lady in the hotel next door wants the man to go deeper with their prayers to god.
Don’t mess with me; I’ll throw a semicolon in just to discombobulate you.
*Cracks knuckles*
“Time to solve an international conflict with the worst takes you’ve ever seen in your life”
*five little monkeys jumping on the bed*
mama: stop that!
monkeys: why hahaha
mama: *quietly* there used to be six of you
Obi-wan: It’s over Anakin! I have the high ground!
Anakin:*Force pushes him out of the way*
Obi-wan: Damn that completely obvious solution
If you’re going to the hospital for a covid-19 test make sure you bring with you a valid form of identification along with a printout of your IMDB page and/or your Basketball Reference stats
“There’s someone out there for everyone”.
A really vague Receptionist.
Wife: How is he?
Doctor: To be honest, he’s like a fish out of water
Wife: He’s in unfamiliar surroundings?
Doctor *pushes glasses up nose* he’s dead
me: *signing to gorilla*
gorilla:*signs back*
reporter: how long did it take him to learn that?
gorilla: years
[blind date]
HER: I’ve been reading up on Plato
ME {trying to impress her}: I know from experience you shouldn’t eat it
I think it’s cool when websites don’t show what a shirt looks like on a person. Wow it looks great folded up floating in the Great Void, that’s exactly how I am going to wear it.
Why yes, I do live under a rock. It’s called the moon.
My wife asks me to remind her about stuff. That way if she forgets something, it’s my fault.
Dating sites don’t work for everyone 👎
(more comics:
WIFE: *reading news article* There are what appears to be coordinated attacks by killer whales on boats
ME: *barely audible* orca-strated
HER: Get out!
No one:
My dog on our 6 am walk: this is my emotional support dirty sock
Nothing makes me turn on country music and sit up straight faster than a cop driving behind me.