I would just once like to feel as powerful as a toddler throwing their sippy cup whilst sitting atop their high chair
You Might Also Like
(Art Museum)
Me:*sees nature painting*
*pulls out sharpie*
*draws sun in the top left corner*
My 5th Grade Art Teacher: *thumbs up* nice
Guys, check out this cool trick I learned. Take your upper lip and make it touch your lower lip. Now keep them like that.
I don’t like the person you become when I’m on my period.
My grandfather came to this country with nothing but the shirt on his back. When he got here, the cops made him put on pants, too.
robber: alright everybody hit the floor!
me, wearing applebottom jeans and the boots with the fur: my time has come
Ok I have a confession…. When I was 10 I use to get hungry during the church service and I would sneak to the kitchen and heat up the sausage biscuits they would have in the fridge for Sunday school. I didn’t know they kept inventory. They said 100 went missing in a month 🫠
I’m just gonna say it. I’d smurf Smurfette.
Me: I’m sorry, but I don’t think I’ll ever be ready to have children
Wife: I won’t say it again, stop saying that in front of the kids
DOCTOR: I think you have a curvature of the upper spine
QUASIMODO: That a diagnosis?
D: We need an X-ray to confirm. Right now it’s a hunch
TUPAC IS DEAD
BIGGIE IS DEAD
AND ME ALSO I AM FEELING NOT SO GOOD
She wasn’t quite sure
Brad was a bit older
He seemed kind of shy
But she was much bolder
She asked him to dinner
“I’d love to” he told her
When she kissed him good night
Things started to smolder
But she ended it there
And gave the cold shoulder
When she got a ring
She’d be Anna
All I want for Christmas is an extra trash pickup day.
50% of modern life is trying to figure out what’s beeping.
Me: (seeing 16 walk into house shivering in short sleeve shirt) When you left the house, you were wearing your new hoodie. Where is it?
16: She didn’t bring a jacket. She was cold. She’ll just give it back to me tomorrow. Why are you laughing?
Why is it called scissoring instead of clash of clams?
My sex tape is me laying on the bed trying to zip my skinny jeans from last year.
[15:00]
I’m not really feeling this edible.[15:30]
*trying to order chinese food from starbucks*
date: “i like dangerous guys, are you dangerous?”
[thinking about the amount of plugs i have in one outlet behind the tv]
me: “yes i am”
When you marry someone with the same sense of humor as yours you have to deal with the consequences, like when I asked my wife to put on an outfit I haven’t seen yet and she walks out in my gym clothes.
Mediocrites was not the greatest hero from Greek mythology, but nor was he the worst
$6 for two cookies at the farmer’s market.
They better have been made using organic free range children’s tears.
This Taco Bell rebranding sounds interesting
mob boss: rip his fingernails off
henchman: they’re bitten really short
mob boss: then do his toenails!
henchman: [removing my socks] you’re not gonna believe this
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I make bad decisions.
“He stole a penguin from the zoo.”
YOU SAID YOU WANTED A BUTLER, KAREN.
“It’s a bird!”
[Superman zooms down to inches away from the screaming guy’s face]
S: Birds can’t go that fast Sean. What are you an idiot
Parents, we noticed you successfully avoiding the candy and toy aisles, so we brought the candy and toys to your checkout lanes.
-stores
Why is it called a backhanded compliment and not a slampliment?
me: excuse me, my chicken is cold
waiter: I’m terribly sorry sir, but pets aren’t allowed in here
I really love sarcasm.
It’s like punching people in the face but with words.
The conversation w customer service has essentially been
“Hey yall said i violated the terms of service but i genuinely dont know what i did”
“You violated the terms of service :)”
“Aight but whatd i do”
“You violated the terms of service :)”
“Elaborate tho??”
*crickets*