According to the law it’s not appropriate to put a bounty on my boss. I actually thought it showed great initiative and leadership.
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What idiot called it a rattlesnake’s warning rattle and not a cautionary tail?
uber driver heard me singing along and changed the station…
*applies for million dollar grant to test scientific theory*
What’s your theory?
That money can buy happiness.
If you hit people hard enough with a tennis racket they turn into waffles.
How Stella Got Her Goat Back #ReplaceAMovieTitleWithGoat
My dating history is like Halloween. People pretending to be someone they’re not come looking for handouts, then move on to someone else.
I hate when you let your hostages outside to play on the trampoline, and then they just sit there and don’t even jump or have fun.
[first time in a bed]
me: this blanket is really heavy
salesman: you’re supposed to lay on top of the mattress
If you play a Microsoft CD backwards, you hear satanic messages. That’s nothing, because if you play it forwards, it installs Windows
Me: I probably shouldn’t throw you bread
Seal:
me: I bet you have seal-iac disease lol
[later]
Scientist: we’ve never seen seals murder someone so violently before
People who put a strip of bacon on a donut, where does it end? You wanna put a braised lambshank on my cupcake? Why don’t I open up my chocolate croissant and you can shove a live trout in it
“Hermit crab” describes me twice.
Me: Magic 8-Ball, am I stupid?
Bowling Ball:
People like to say “nice beard” to me but then start backing away while I go through my washing/conditioning/oiling/brushing regimen with increasing volume and fervor
me, drunk, into the thermostat: alexa, how do i charge my milk when it’s at 2%?
Her: How would you describe that green sheep?
Me: I don’t know. Olive ewe?
Her: I knew you’d say it first! I love you too!
Entrapment 101
we talk a lot of shit about men but without them we wouldn’t have forensic files, 48 hours, dateline, some 20/20s, serial, on the case with paula zahn, cold case, my favorite murder, making a murderer, homicide hunter,
I cleaned the cabinet windows and now you can see how untidy it is inside.
“Am I as bored as you are?” can be read backwards and still make sense.
Am not being sponsored to say this but if anyone is looking for a way to make swallowing food easier, try using “Teeth”. I recently began using teeth while eating and it’s reduced the number of Heimlich manoeuvres I receive per month by over 94% 👍
My husband surprised me by inviting his new boss and wife for dinner so I surprised them with an icebreaker of mocktails and Cards Against Humanity
the Craigslist guy who sold me a bookshelf today showed me all the staples in his stomach from the surgery he just had. But that’s on me for forgetting to ask him to specifically not do that.
Lawyers out there, if I see any of my Tweets being used on Comedy Central can I sue….. Oh you don’t think that will ever be an issue, okay
Whenever I leave a fancy restaurant, I like to tell the diners coming in “I recommend the tandoori cat.”
I tried some Dirty Dancing in a neighbour’s herb garden. I had the thyme of my life.
Yo son, do you like nachos?
“Hell yeah!”
*son goes in for high 5*
That’s good, ’cause I’m nacho real dad
*rejects high 5*
You’re adopted lol
him: *dying* avenge me
[later]
widow: ok who put him in the thor costume
I dated a guy who always kneeled and prayed before sex. I still don’t know if he was scared of what I’d do or thankful. Either way, amen.