Me: Why are you running away like that? What’d you do?
My 6 year old: Nothing, I just thought you’d checked my closet.
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being yelled at by the self checkout machine is so humiliating everyone can hear u getting lectured by a little robot
Hubs, “What are we doing tonight?”
Me, “As long as I’m with you I’m happy.”~Watches him watch ESPN on his phone~
Me, “I want a divorce.”
them: I like that filter on you
me: [doesn’t have snap but enjoys mounting butterflies directly to my head] th… thanks
facebook is down where are we gonna keep all of our faces
My Mexican dad before we went to go see Wakanda Forever: so Namor, it means like “no love?” Is that part of his character?
Me: no dad, that’s just been the character’s name since 1939.
Namor in the movie: so I took that as my name, “Namor,” the child without love!
My dad:
Shit: bowel movement
Sh t: vowel movement
i
The mall reopened today, but I don’t have any Bath & Body coupons so I’m not going.
[loud knocking]
“OPEN UP. IT’S THE POLICE!”
Me: Prove it.
“HOW?”
Me: Sing “Roxanne.”
Bro. His friends dared him to go touch your shoe
Boss: Are you asleep?
Me: Sorry, must’ve dozed off
B: That’s unacceptable!
M: I apologised, didn’t I ?
B: And where are your pants?
M: *shrugging* I always sleep naked
People make you wonder just how bad prison would really be
People who live in glass houses should install frosted glass around the toilet part.
I’m sorry I said your baby looks like a hairless hamster. But in my defense, you shouldn’t have had a hairless hamster for a baby.
We brought home a betta fish, and I’ve officially spent more time deciding it’s name than I did naming the kids
Coaxing one piece of costume jewelry at a time off my toddler as she sighs and weeps like a disgraced aristocrat pawning her jewels to save the family estate
i like the aisle seat on a flight because it gives me power over the other two people next to me. you wanna go to the bathroom? need to grab something from your bag in the overhead? better ask my permission. i’m the king of row 37 bud
My bank balance is a gentle reminder that in a few years my twins will have to battle it out for one college place!
Little did I know the first time I bought a 3-pack of condoms that I was buying a lifetime supply.
My cat has Peta on speed dial in case the day should ever come when his pillows aren’t properly fluffed or his filtered water grows tepid.
Twitter is like 192 million people screaming “Mom watch me jump in the pool”
Boomerangs can be quite dangerous if you’ve got alzheimers.
I told my 14yo there’s a muppet who is dealing with drug addiction and he said “they all are. Look at their eyes”
doctor: are u drinking enough fluids
me: i’ve never drunk anything else
I’m sorry but I strongly disagree
I know
What do you mean a good old fashioned ribbing has nothing to do with this rack of baby backs?
nobody warns you of the devastation two days of stuffing will bring upon your digestive system
My first act as governor? Switching the tornado sirens out with C&C Music Factory’s Everybody Dance Now.
I hope when I inevitably choke to death on gummy bears people just say I was killed by bears and leave it at that.