I’m not saying your perfume is too strong. I’m just saying the canary was alive before you got here.
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Hello, I dinged your car. The people watching me leave this note probably think I’m leaving you my name & number.
Signed, Guess Who.
“Why have a ballroom, with no Balls?”
-Disney’s Frozen
I paused the movie to tweet this…
By a show of hands, how many of you are raising your hands?
Before you buy anything online ask yourself “Am I prepared to see a sales ad for that same item on every social media site I visit until the day I die?”
[hitchhikes]
[arrives safely and not murdered]This is bullshit.
INTERVIEWER: What is your greatest strength?
ME: I can anagram anything
WIENER RIVET: And your greatest weakness?
if you write “keep it together, man” without the comma you end up creating a new superhero named “keep it together man” and frankly if there’s one guy we need right now it’s him.
…and when you saw 3 sets of footprints in the sand, that’s when it took the entire Holy Trinity to carry you after all those piña coladas.
Guys, have you ever become so fed up trying to undo a bra that you wished you hadn’t put one on in the first place?
Me to my 6yo: Hey Buddy, whatchya doing?
6yo: None of your business.
Me: You came out of my business.
No bullshit, if any color is unemployed, its maroon
we had no idea the Scorpion Team would be so aggressive
My dog just looked at me and sighed. He has to stop hanging out with my wife.
Them: Can you help me?
Me: I don’t work here.
Them: Oh, sorry. *leaves*
My boss: You need to stop doing that.
Cashier: That’ll be $29.95 sweetheart
Me: Here you are, pumpkin face
Cashier:
Me: oh, I’m sorry, were we not giving eachother cute nicknames?
[being robbed]
Me: careful.. I’m ARMED
*whips out bible
Robber: lol
*pulls gun out of bible
R: oh
*pulls smaller bible out of gun
Fun idea: Have a magician saw you in half at your funeral. Or not even a magician, just anybody with a big saw.
I’m 97% positive that my working from home situation will be negatively impacted by the fact that I’m downloading Fallout 4 on my work laptop right now.
soldier: is that a picture of your love?
me: *folding a Subway coupon back into my wallet* yeah
“Honey?! What did you feed him? His poop is huge … and green!”
[the first of many struggles that Bruce Banner’s parents faced]
Stop, Drop, and Roll: A Beginners Guide to Bowling
Still not over my son telling me the toilet was smoking, and I rushed upstairs to this
The human body is 70% water and 30% land
Do not steal food from the science building!
Miniature Donkeys escaped out of the fence and are heading to town and I’m pretty sure the damn cat orchestrated the entire plan.
They say 9 or 10 is a good age to tell your kid they were adopted, but only IF they were adopted.
WELL, THEY NEED TO WALK A BIT QUICKER THEN, DON’T THEY?
What I thought I was doing: Leaving my house for a girls’ afternoon at a local winery.
What I was actually doing: Explaining to my 5yo why he can’t call the police just because his dad asked him to pick up his Legos.
Her : I wanna be held
Me : Accountable or Hostage?
I’ve got chills. They’re doing advanced calculus and quadratic equations.