Just settled a divorce over Parrot custody/visitation. Neither may teach it negative phrases abt the other.
I went to law school for this.
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I have many caverns
On average, a person spends about 14 years of their life trying to open ketchup packets.
The best detective novels are the ones where the detective is on holiday but then get forced to solve a local murder. We’ve all been in that situation where we just want some peace and quiet but then a holidaying detective shows up and solves the murder we’ve just committed.
So sick of all these stupid rules
I’d rather go liquor treating.
please stop describing the Holy Infant Baby Jesus as “tender and mild.” that’s how you describe a hot wing.
Me: I always start eating a bunny by biting the ears clean off.
Her: That’s not unusual – I think most people like to eat chocolate bunnies that way.
Me: Chocolate?
WebMD is a Choose Your Own Adventure book where every single story ends in malignant cancer
Maybe pandas can eat more foods than bamboo but no one has ever offered them a Twizzler.
The Kardashians is what happens when you feed a gremlin after midnight.
[in restaurant]
“Waiter, I’d like the soup please. What is it?”
“Well, it’s kinda like a drink but with lumps in it”.
No matter how many candles you burn, you can’t bake bread. Follow me, for more wisdom
“When a girl says ‘Awww Thanks!’, it means she’s politely asking you to return to the friend zone that you just tried to escape from.”
My glasses are dirty but I don’t want to move from the couch so I guess TV’s blurry from now on
Me: I wish I was super hot.
Menopause: Say no more, fam.
Just know that if I go up to the hand sanitizer machine and it doesn’t dispense anything, I’m still running my hands together. 🙏🏼
when i was 17 my car started to spin out on the freeway during a blizzard and the only thing that snapped me out of my terror enough to be able to regain control was the chilling revelation that I didn’t want 2 Phones by Kevin Gates to be the soundtrack to my death
I was visiting my parents this past weekend and Y’ALL, I had no idea how intense birdwatching can get.
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Your face is perpetually itchy now that you’re not supposed to touch it.
It’s science.
My 11-year-old has never worn slippers so naturally this is the one thing she remembered to pack for vacation.
I can’t stop fantasizing about gently, lovingly braiding a squid
It’s so obvious that she wants me. She avoids me at all costs probably because her feelings are so strong for me.
Yeah, I’ll go with that.
My key takeaway from Ghostbusters was that once you’re dead, your Miranda rights don’t count for shit.
Snakes are refusing to fly on Boeing Max planes.
Kid: Daddy can I give some of my candy to that duck?
Me: No, ducks only eat things they find in nature, like bread.
[sees a baby spit up after drinking from baby bottle]
“lmao yo who invited the lightweight”
ugh he wants to go hiking as a first date, just like hitler
Daughter: It’s Halloween…let’s do something really scary.
Me: You’re in luck…I’m just about to do the bills.
I accidentally took an extra step when I reached the top of the stairs and now I’m in a marching band.