“And why did you join our gym?”
▫️to stay healthy
▫️a friend recommended it
☑️I’ve seen myself naked
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I talk a lot of shit for a girl who can’t function when the sock seam is twisted.
Libra: Many good things are in store for you! Unfortunately, the store is closed for repairs.
I’ve never considered myself a social butterfly. More like a social wasp. People run away a lot.
Wife: Did you pay the mortgage yet?
Me: Do you think surfers in India are called Hindudes?
Wife: What?
Me: What?
Communication is hard
6 year old: Hey mommy, did you know you can go to jail for making copies??
Me: copies of what?
6 year old: money
– kidsplaining counterfeiting
Felt bad about hitting a car yesterday but I remembered to leave a note. Didn’t have a pen so I used my key.
THERAPIST: you’re running from something. what do u think it might be?
[goose outside the window does throat-slitting motion]
ME: uh—failure
Allow me to explain how to sew on a button:
A thread.
Me: [in Airplane Mode] Don’t call me
Me: [in Airplane! Mode] Don’t call me Shirley
“Call me crazy bu..”
You’re a freakin idiot!.. I mean, you’re crazy.
[Restaurant]
Me: I’ll have a Chef Salad, no lettuce.
Waiter: So just a bowl of meats and cheeses?
Me: Still call it a salad though.
Too bad you can’t get abs from laughing at your own jokes because I would be shredded.
I’d say at least 10% of parenting is smelling stuff.
Me want titty. Me don’t want to touch, me want to suck. You have titty? TWO TITTIES? OM NOM NOM NOM NOM NOM.
Inception, but it’s just my girlfriend making sure I don’t cheat on her in my dreams
Teach a man to fish, feed him for a lifetime
Teach an octopus to play drums, change rock music forever
glorious crime spree after being fired from wal mart., expertly hopping fences, chugging all the seeds out of my neighbors bird feeders,
life hack: DO NOT TRY TO CUT CHERRY TOMATOES IN HALF WITH YOUR FOOD SCISSORS
*stomps feet during a tantrum, reaches fitbit step goal*
Tell the barista your name is Beetlejuice and quietly walk out.
Unless:
-The house is on fire
-The cops are about to kick down the door
-Or you’re ordering foodDo NOT talk to me while I’m on the toilet
If a server comes to my table and asks ‘hows everythin tasting?’ mid chew I like to grab their wrist and keep them there until I can answer
It’ll never work, we have very different definitions of words like talented, celebrity, amazing and intelligent.
Another way they could improve cricket is by having seven to eight golden retrievers on the pitch at all times
Created a shortcut on my teen’s phone. Now every time she texts “kk” auto fill displays “I have the BEST mom.”
I’ve never bitten off more than I can chew, but once I put too much mouthwash in my mouth and couldn’t swish it around.
Them: “Dance like no one is watching.”
Me: *dances*
Them: “WTF is she doing? She knows we can see her, right?”
[harry potter, college edition]
Voldemort: the boy who lived, come t-
Harry: yeah yeah just kill me already
Voldemort: wh-what
Harry: i’m $100k in debt and i have a masters in communications
Voldemort: *giggling* on second thought nevermind
me: can i please have some more?
bank teller: haha you’re gonna get me in trouble but ok ONE more fifty
[Santa installing fog lamps on the front of his sleigh]
Rudolph: what’s that Santa?
Santa: oh it’s nothing venison
Rudolph: what?
Santa: I meant son….nothing son