I would like to be a zombie because when someone asked me if I had a boyfriend I could just eat them.
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Me, to a perfectly white puppy: please try to stay clean
Him, 5 min later, having tried his best:
My son 🙋🏽♂️was SO cute today, he asked me “dad are clouds candy?” 😍 I told him they were water. 💦 Then he asked “dad, what’s Earth’s defense system?” and then I remembered I don’t have a son and he asked again his eyes now obsidian black “what is the defense system father”
I love hard, but I stupid harder.
STATUS: Using the flashlight on my phone to look for the keys that are in my hand so I can open my car cuz I think I left my phone in there.
8: you can’t make me go to bed. I know karate now.
Me: you don’t say…
Narrator: Daddy-Fu always beats Karate, even though the moves are mostly tickling.
BOSS: quit listening to Vanilla Ice, participate in the meeting, and pay attention
ME: so… stop, collaborate, and listen?
BOSS: you’re fired
*scampers over to ice cream truck*
Yes, I’ll take the SpongeBob who looks like he just opened the Ark of the Covenant, please.
I told my kids to sit Kriss Kross applesauce and now they’re jumping
It’s like nobody in this McDonalds has seen a guy spreading marmalade on a Big Mac before.
I always have a cheap bottle of wine in the house in case any family visit.
i love nature 🙂 sittin in grass, soakin up sun, listenin to all those weird ringtones that come from those animals in the trees or whatever
Going as a hashtag for Halloween so everybody ignores me.
Been watching a lot of Netflix documentaries & I think a really good way for me to make a lot of money is to find a rich woman & tell her I’m a vampire or some other crazy shit & she’ll just give me loads of cash.
Parenting during the month of May has gotten so overwhelming that I’m trying to think of a minimally-invasive surgery I could schedule to get a few days of downtime
The best revenge is a life lived well or cyanide in their coffee.
*neighbors putting mountain bikes on the car*
you guys headed down to the pawnshop?
The hardest part about raising a centaur baby is having people know you banged a horse.
If we could see the world through the eyes of a child, we’d see so many more doorknobs.
Relationship status: the doorbell rings, my heart is pounding, it’s the pizza delivery guy. Three-cheese, double toppings, thick crust.
me: the opposite of “some” is both “all” and “none”, which are also opposites of each other but not opposites of “some”
the pentagon: who else have you talked to about this
This is the one week you can throw a charred corpse in the garbage without people asking a lot of questions.
When I reached the border patrol checkpoint, I raised my kale smoothie & the officer immediately waved me through.
Being a wife and mom is kind of like being a lawyer, everyone hates you until they need you
“Let’s take a couple dozen over-stimulated children and give them enough sugar to kill an elephant.” – inventor of the birthday party
I finally bought a set of dumbells.
How long are you supposed to rest in between sets?
Please say 6 weeks.
You are not your own worst enemy.
You have many more enemies.
Colleague: All Fossil watches should hv an ancient look, to justify the brand name
Me: By that logic, Guess watches shouldn’t show the time.
“Sometimes I feel like a woman trapped in a woman’s body” – Russian nesting doll
Tried to sleep by reading a boring book and now it’s suddenly the most interesting book.
in dinosaur culture it’s actually really insensitive to wish upon a falling star