COP: Describe the robber to our sketch artist
ME: He had one eye higher than the other and his lips on his forehead
PICASSO: I got this
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– dinner –
Kid 1: finishes in 18.4 seconds
Kid 2: finishes in 34.7 seconds
Kid 3: finishes in 5 hours 29 minutes
I don’t really think I know what ovulating is, but I think my friend Brian is ovulating.
I never feel like a bigger failure than when my dog re-scratches something I just scratched for her.
me, standing over a dead body with a scalpel: this is fun isn’t it?
coworker: um. this just isn’t what I had in mind when you asked me to open mike night
A bridesmaid, but it’s just someone to hold the bottom half of my CVS receipt.
Trix are for kids, but when my favorite rabbit gets together with the Energizer bunny it’s grownup time.
My waiter just told me he fancies himself as “an edgy comedian”
Pray for me
[reading death threat]
*shrugs* Anyone with spelling this bad would definitely botch a murder.
My 3 year old daughter lost screen time for misbehavior, and now she keeps trying to talk to me.
Well-played, kid. Well-played.
My emotional support pig is now my therapy bacon.
I’m giving up alcohol for a month.
Wait sorry, that didn’t come out right :
I’m giving up. Alcohol for a month.
Some things are better left unsaid
Tequila – No they’re not
Q-tips specifically say NOT to put them in your ears yet that’s the only reason we buy them. We are not a species built for survival
At least there’s one other woman who’s more wasted than me in this emergency room.
No, my mistake, she’s got dementia.
“Treat her like a princess” everybody said.
Then they get mad when I marry her off to a cousin from a neighboring country for political gain.
What the hell did you order?
– me when the drive thru line isn’t moving
I just wrote a $1500 check for a cow, like some kind of 1930s housewife.
[breaking up yet another fight]
Me: Why do you always fight with your sisters?
6-year-old: Because I always win.
I’ve been playing GTA for an hour and I still can’t find the “exchange insurance information” button.
My son’s favourite magic trick is making a single glove disappear
Helping ya friend pick a picture to post 🤝 commenting like it’s ya first time ever seeing the picture
Is 5 years too long of a time to reconnect with an old friend to let them know you got home okay?
I don’t know what’s funnier, the fact that our new broom came with instructions or that my husband is actually reading them
scientist: don’t touch anything
me: [licked a petri dish already] got it
…20 minutes later
scientist: did you touch something
me: no
scientist: you’re changing colors just tell me what you touched and i’ll save you
me: [about to die] i didn’t touch anything i swear to god
people really have no faith in me – i told my co-worker, “i had to have coke this morning for a little pick me up” … another co-worker heard me and was like, “what? you did a line before school?”
*in case you all don’t have the faith either – it was a can of coca cola
Before I play it, I hold the needle from the record and whisper 3..2..1.
It’s the vinyl countdown.
[first time seeing Godzilla]
ok so where’s Jesuszilla
lost a tooth? replace it with a chiclet. got a bum ticker? put a clock inside your ribs. got raccoon eyes? give them back, silly. those don’t belong to you
*phone rings*
Wife – “Quick! Pretend I’m not in!”
Me – *strips naked and does running man*
Wife – “….”