This makes total sense…
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Getting dressed,
Makeup is looking good,
Awesome hair day,
Feeling great about myself!Put on my glasses….
Damn it!
I mistakenly opened a bag of chips and now I have to eat them, so yes, there is such a thing as a fun problem
her: I’ve packed my bags. I’m leaving you
him: ok but you’re gonna need more than just bags
If I’d married a wealthier man, I’d be lying on a fancier couch refusing to clean bigger rooms.
I found this set for $10 at a garage sale and I need someone else to be as excited about it as I am
Them: “I hate to be a…”
Me: “Then don’t.”
I don’t flex at the gym…but I will air dry to the Macarena to buy myself some space in the men’s locker room.
Outing my girlfriend as a Protestant at Christmas dinner so my Granny forgets that we’re both women
me: *signing to gorilla*
gorilla:*signs back*
reporter: how long did it take him to learn that?
gorilla: years
How many different places do you look for something before you decide it’s lost?
Men – 2
Women – 1,768
[stands in church]
Geese be with you
[hands neighbor a beautiful goose]
And also w/you
[he hands me a different yet equally beautiful goose]
Please let me in.. 😂
Sound on
Helping my daughter study for her geology exam, and apparently ‘hard’ ‘classic’ and ‘punk’ AREN’T the 3 different types of rock.
Who knew.
Me: I’ve brought a urine sample
Doctor: I didn’t ask for a urine sample
Me: There was a lot of traffic
Work meetings would be a lot more fun if they took place in a giant McDonalds ball pit
I don’t trust anyone who bikes to work for reasons other than a DUI
*first time fishing*
Me: Ok now what
Friend: See that hook? You’re aiming to get that in the mouth
Me: orkay nrow wrhat
I have like 17 hours to kill I think I’ll listen to one Pink Floyd song
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because my tires look like donuts?
Cop: Get out
I used to wonder what it’d be like to read other people’s minds.
Then I got a Twitter account, and I’m over it.
*gets a full 8 hours of sleep*
Me: That’s suspicious
Used dog shears to trim my split ends. This is a beauty account now.
So won’t Surreal Slim Shady please stand up, please stand dOwN, please RIDE A TRICYCLE THROUGH A DENTISTS WAITING ROOM DRESSED AS A PENGUIN
Broke my New Year’s resolution to exorcise more and now there are poltergeists and demons all over my house.
Whenever my kid comes to me whining about something I always tell them daddy knows just how to help.
We’ve been sending transmissions into space for 100 years, so of course aliens avoid us. Earth is the douchebag at the beach blasting music on their bluetooth radio.
[jolts awake in bed]
Honey, wake up! I had a terrible nightmare that you were an algorithm!
spouse: (from under covers) That’s awful, sweetheart. Let me suggest some other dreams you might have
i order my girl scout cookies from several different girl scouts so nobody has a full count of the boxes i’ve eaten i don’t have time for that negativity it’s cookie season goddammit
My insurance agent just told me that I’m “high risk” to insure on account of me getting stuck in dryers on a regular basis
me: I don’t like other people’s kids
them: how old are yours?
me: I don’t have any