*Victorian letters to Santa*
My dearest Santa,
I trust this letter finds you well. We have had an exciting season with 7 family members succumbing to consumption.
*8 more pages of socially-accepted bigotry against every other nationality & poor people*
I would like an orange.
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me: *eating spaghetti sandwich*
carb god: *rubbing biscuit hands together* goood goood
agenda 4 today:
•shower
•cheerios
•shower-cheerios?
•”hike”
•Photograph a mountain lion
•get mauled by 2nd (hiding) mountain loin
Happy Passive Aggressive day! Don’t worry, I didn’t want you to get me anything anyway. No, it’s fine. Don’t worry about it.
I didn’t know children could be old enough to eat $70 worth of sushi but still have to be told to flush the toilet after every use
Me: Anyone seen my black shoes?
12yo: If you put them away when you took them off, you’d know where they are.
Someone likes to live life dangerously.
You know what else is crazy?
*googles synonyms for crazy*
April 1st is the class clown of days.
We’re not really in the same boat if you’re the only one with a life jacket
My body snaps, crackles and pops louder than my cereal.
*puts on kevlar vest, gloves and steel toe boots*
*Heads into Costco on a Saturday*
smoking a cigarette reduces your life by 11min unless you smoke it real fast then it only takes like 3 or 4
When I kiss a girl, sometimes I dont know what to do with my hands, so I slow clap behind her head to make sure she knows I’m enjoying it.
superhero movie: this already insanely hot person discovers they have numerous additional gifts
me: this is relatable as hell
I can’t believe I actually married the right person this time.
Raised my shirt to check my abs and a nacho chip fell out so I guess there’s your answer.
Mr. Smith: My family names goes back to my ancestor that was a blacksmith.
Mr. Carpenter: Mine goes back to an ancestor that was a woodworker.
Mr. Dickinson: Mine goes back to an ancestor we no longer speak of
Lose something? Need help? Call 1-800-MOM & a team of moms will be deployed to you to ask you “Well, did you look?”Or “did you look-look?”
interviewer:
are there any accomplishments from your last job that you’re particularly proud of?me:
i’m responsible for ten new rules in their employee handbookinterviewer:
that’s great! you wrote them?me:
that’s not what i said
Become a parent, so you can be accused of “using up all the internet” when Fortnite glitches for a millisecond.
anyone know what happened at the 2nd noel?
Growing up in the Midwest means I am not embarrassed to eat a pound of fried macaroni in a setting, but I am embarrassed to admit ever having sex to my family at the age of 36.
I have bent many spoons in my life, the vast majority of which involved ice cream. Therefore, ice cream is the primary ingredient of activating supernatural powers.
[Satan advising me on choosing the right career path] law school it is
Tonight I’m going to be naughty and tie my man to the bed. Then I’ll make him watch a Golden Girls marathon while I eat the left over pizza.
We didn’t start the fire
It was always burning
Since the world’s been turning—my thighs lying about the friction this summer
Amazon probably spends millions on search engine optimization and ad software yet somehow hasn’t figured out that after buying a vacuum cleaner I’m not immediately going to need another
I used to think my chiropractor couldn’t fix my back problem but now I stand corrected
My👏spacebar👏is👏broken👏so👏I’m👏using👏the👏clapping👏emoji👏instead👏I’m👏not👏trying👏to👏make👏a👏point