the year is 2025. ur child comes home from their first day of school saying they made a friend. ur ecstatic. there are numbers in his friend’s name and u think to urself ‘odd but ok.’ u call to set up lunch with the young robot’s parents. a tesla pulls up and u realize ur mistake
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Am I a bad navigator? Well off course
I’m at the point in my life where “friend with benefits” just means a person who gives me their Bed Bath & Beyond coupons.
doctor: and how long has your most recent panic attack been going on
me: probably since the summer of 2015
If God sent a flood to wipe out humans for being perverts what kinda nasty shit were the dinos into?
Why does everyone keep telling me to ‘grow a pear’? I don’t even like pears.
Lance isn’t a common name now, but in Medieval times guys were named Lance a lot.
Judge: How do you plead?
Me, trying to get on LegalZoom .com: sorry what’s the wifi password here?
Getting a speeding ticket in Alabama wasn’t what upset me. What upset me was how long he took to give it to me and he put me behind 15 minutes on my GPS arrival time so I had to speed the rest of the way anyway.
I don’t need lip fillers. I have two toddlers constantly head-butting me.
What if earth is just God’s Tamagotchi that he forgot about?
*1st day as a human*
Alien: I did one of those poop things
Alien 2: And?
A: The corn we ate was there
A2: So?
A: Intact. Unbroken. Even though I chewed it up
A2: *unzipping human disguise* Call Mother Ship. We’re outta here
If I’ve learned one thing in my almost-34-years of life on this planet, it’s that there is absolutely no dignified way to eat a yolky fried egg sandwich.
I’m always tonguing my cyanide tooth in case someone wants to tell me about their journey.
*Facebook down*
Grandpa: *in the back alley* Yes, can I please get a gram of conspiracy theories
Gun people are always like “you can pry it out of my cold dead hands”
Why are you dead in your own story, must not be a very good gun
“The old lady I see in the park every day has had her house raided.”
“Sniffer dogs?”
“No, I usually just say good morning to her”.
Don’t make a mountain out of a molehill
Do it with mashed potatoes, then play keyboard for the aliens… I think my cough medicine expired
If someone asks what you are doing on Halloween, earnestly look at the sky & say “I will be reaching my final form.”
phone sales rep: may I speak with the head of the household pls?
me: just a sec, he’s using the litter box
Every chair is a reclining chair when you’re drunk.
This nation more divided than ever.
I just saw a tweet in support of raisins.
[parole hearing]
OFFICER: are u reformed?
ME: I—
O: go on
M: I th—
O: tell us
M: I’m—
O: yes
M: can I finish my sentence
O: ok parole denied
Snowboarding in Japan hits differently.
teachers: it’s the 100th day celebration
me: oh wow, alread-
teachers: your kid has to bring something in
me: oh ok, sure what shou-
teachers: 100 somethings
You know what really boils my piss? The pissboiler2000 from JML.
Them: The tequila made me do it.
Me: The tequila helped me do it.We are not the same.
That de-escalated quickly
When someone is talking on their phone in a public restroom, I flush repeatedly
Giving birth?
Passing a gallstone?
Monica Seles tennis match?Possible scenarios from sounds emitted from chic on elliptical next to me
Restaurant manager: You’re hired. You start as a server tomorrow.
Me: I can’t wait!
RM: You’re fired.