Relationship status: my period comes more often than I do.
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Me: I don’t think I can handle any more stress or challenges in my life.
Universe: Hold my beer.
Teenage Jesus: Hey dad, why you wearing that crucifix?
God: It’s an idea I have for a public holiday.
TJ: Huh?
G: It’s complicated.
Oh, you love me? Name three of my recent emotional breakdowns
I’m a bound and determined person and I like to get things done but as I’ve gotten older I’ve found that I can pay others to do it while I take a nap.
“do you have any pets”
[remembers girls like sensitive guys] a cat
“what’s his name”
[remembers girls also like tough guys] missile launcher
In phone books, “assisted living” is next to “assassin”, so be more careful than I was, hiring someone to ‘take care of grandma’.
My son has about 12 seconds to learn patience.
My wife said she wants to rescue a cat so I threw it in the pool.
My husband texted to let me know he unloaded the dishwasher.
Like, ok guy. If I texted every task I did, it’d be a novel. Settle down.
The only thing we have to fear is fear itself…& murderous clowns, & ISIS, & one of these two getting elected President after Halloween.
ME: Okay, going out of town for 4 days, so I need 4 days of clothes.
MY BRAIN: Cool, cool cool cool… What if you actually need every shirt you’ve ever owned tho?
If you scorn a Canadian, they will carefully craft a voodoo doll of your likeness, and then dress it in mixed prints, or give it bangs when it has no business having them.
Me: my tooth hurts when I suck
Dentist: so you’re in constant pain
Somebody give me a house for my birthday so I can live in the present.
[McDonalds drive thru]
toddler [possibly drunk] ASK IF THEY HAVE POP TARTS
Taking my car to the shop see you in $2000
Hey, people who leave the volume on an odd, non divisible by 5 number, how do you live with yourselves?!
me: in or out
dog: yep
me: which one
dog: you bet
My original account got suspended for aggressive behavior and they haven’t even seen me in bed yet.
I have this fun drinking game where you take a drink every time you’d like one because you’re an adult and you can make decisions yourself.
“That’s me in a nutshell.”
A peanut’s photo album.
I came to this town with only 8 dollars in my pocket and I turned myself into a success. If it weren’t for the access to another $940K I had in the bank, it might have been damn near impossible.
Lately I have the attention span of wait what
why worry about today when you can worry about the past present and future simultaneously like a nervous god
Do you ever wake up.
Kiss the person beside you, and just be thankful to be alive.I did.
Not really appreciated on flights apparently
*releasing hundreds of balloons from the ceiling onto the dance floor* these are all full of my breath. the inside of my lungs is touching you enjoy your dance
Dingo: The dingo community is known for many other things
TV Host: What are cooking for us today?
Dingo: I’m making my famous baby coleslaw
I asked my neighbors to keep it down last night and they were like ma’am- it’s 5pm.