Still the best thing I’ve ever seen on the Internet.
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*screams “I don’t speak Mandarin!!!”
*the oranges finally shut up
In a bad place rn, not mentally just flying over Birmingham
cop: you’re coming with me
me: [being handcuffed] but i don’t even know you
cop: get in the car
me: will you take me to disneyland
cop: what do you think
me: maybe
So many Jesus accounts…and not one is verified
Do not drink and drive..
because there are people out there who text and drive…
and they will hit you and it will be your fault !!
Fitness instructors who resist the temptation to yell out YOUR OTHER LEFT are alright.
No more excuses…
…I’m canceling that gym membership.
Teenagers should not handle weapons to fight crime or be turtles.
My son doesn’t always throw up, but when he does, he’s already in bed.
If your friends won’t go into a dark forest with you, memorize the ancient ritual text and help you summon a demon so that there is a fourth person to play Monopoly with, can you really consider them friends?
me: I ONLY GOT 3 HOURS OF SLEEP LAST NIGHT AND I FEEL GREAT MY BODY HAS FINALLY LEARNED TO EFFECTIVELY AND EFFICIENTLY USE ENERGY
me, 4 minutes later: o god i am dying
So, I’m officially off the market. Got a DM from a faceless Avi proposing marriage in broken English. We’re planning a June wedding!
a 3-way standoff between a duck with a laser pointer, a cat with a vacuum cleaner, and a dog with a loaf of bread
My bank just sent me an email starting with “we’re all in this together” and then told me my monthly fees are going up
I mean, I’m smart, but I’m no Alfred Einstein.
Oh, you’re Happy? Name the other 6 Dwarves
for the 7th year in a row, Rick Astley refuses to give his wife her favorite Pixar movie for Christmas
ohgod what if there’s some murderer in the backseat of my car while i’m driving alone and they hear me singing this cranberries song off-key
Me: I hate people.
H: I challenge you to say something positive.
Me: I’m positive I hate people.
[talking with counselor]
I don’t “know” what “she” means that I “use” excessive air quotes
7yo: You can’t say that, you’ll go to hell and turn into a devil!
4yo: And I will still be cooler than you!
I replaced the spare tire in my car with a box of wine. I’ve no idea how to change a tire, & I bet I’ll need a drink as I wait for a ride.
I used to think chiropractors were useless till I had back problems… Now, I stand corrected.
I live by 2 simple rules:
1. Don’t treat people like shit.
2. If any melted cheese gets on your paper plate, you must also eat the plate.
It’s hard to look like a badass when you’re slurping on a strawberry smoothie.
Why do birds
Suddenly appear
Every time
You are near?
Just like me
You’re secretly
Made of bread
“I want that fable on my desk, AESOP!”
Forget ‘a jury of my peers’ I want to be judged by a talking horse
Waiter: “I’m afraid your credit card has been declined.”
Me: “Try this one.”
W: “This is a blood donor card.”
M: “Take as much as you need.”
if all my dreams come true then the next time i go grocery shopping i’ll start mopping up a spill because suddenly i work there but then realize i forgot to wear pants so i’ll try to run home but my legs are made of rubber and then all my teeth fall out so stop wishing that on me