Ibuprofen is the new Chiclets for people over 40
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Don’t go chasing rainbows. Set up a rainbow trap, sit back, wait
me after drinking all the wine:
[restaurant]
ME: *reading menu* how’s the chicken parm?
OUR WAITER, TONY THE TIGER: it’s grr-
MANAGER: *glares at Tony*
TONY: it’s exquisite
man…im so hungry i could-
*i catch eye contact with a horse*
“you could what?”
*shows his gun*
i could.. eat a sandwich
“thought so.”
No point crayon over spilled milk.
Me: My heart is full.
Cardiologist: Yes, that’s the problem.
Cashier at McDonalds said “See you later” a little too smugly at breakfast. I did not appreciate her condescension and told her so at lunch.
So cute how this taxi driver is taking an unnecessarily long route and driving slowly so he gets to spend more time with me.
Hey, I tried to parallel park into a spot and goosed it twice so I’m just gonna go home. Enjoy brunch though, I’ll catch you next week.
Yesterday CNN reported that “sitting will kill you, even if you exercise” and I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but living will kill you.
i wish someone just lost their shit over me like a rooster does the sunrise.
My dog has zero loyalty. You have a tennis ball? She’ll go home with you.
In her defense, I’ll do the same if you have carbs.
Candy cigarettes really use to be a thing and we really bought them and walked around like we were smokers at the tender age of 6.
Me: I can’t get this star on top of the Christmas tree without a ladder, without dumping it over & ruining it.
Whiskey: Yes you can.
If you’re looking for a good place to buy a Blackberry, I’d suggest 2006.
Don’t text me that you’re gonna kick my ass, that lacks passion. Key it on the side of my truck.
Wouldn’t recommend it, but I’d admire you.
Why do moths eat sweaters? Have they tried sandwiches or avocados
Pretty insulting when you wake up in a bathtub of ice and they left all your organs.
Who called them accountants and not sumbodies?
Job Posting: local pond looking to hire tadpole, must have previous experience as frog
If you get a new job before you quit your old one, it’s considered responsible.
But if you do that with your gf, it’s called “cheating.”
Grandma’s funeral ft. Pitbull
2020: How to turn 5 pieces of clothing into a yearlong wardrobe.
[watching TV]
me: Where are your pants?
toddler: I took them off so I could see better
Emails now be like: I hope you are staying safe, sheltered in place, stocked with toilet paper, and healthy during these absolutely unprecedented, wild, chaotic, terrifying times. Just wanted to follow up-
‘He looks just like you’ is my favorite way to tell someone that their baby is ugly.
Me: Why doesn’t he love me?
Nachos: Eat more of me and find out!
Me: *Chewing* So?
Nachos: We need outside counsel. Send pizza down here.
Remember when you were watching zombie movies and you thought wow, there’s no way real people could be this stupid?
100% of murder victims who responded to the survey really freaked us out.
My daughter thought putting glue on her hands would help her walk up the walls, we’re both a little disappointed that it didn’t work.