Attention: All employees will be required to bring their own toilet paper until further notice.
-Management
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Where’d he go? 😂💛
doggosbeingdoggos
I can now tell the hour of the day by which part of my body needs a heating pad.
Ain’t no mountain high enough? Have you seen them?
I owe most of my colossal success to exaggeration.
Quarantine: stay inside where theres nothing to do and be sa-
Adderall & Craft Supplies: MAKE DUCKS
Love how Scooby-Doo has the ability to speak and the mystery gang is like nbd
2023 was just a warmup
If you see a hot girl walking you should honk your horn to let her know you’re intrested and afraid to talk to girls.
Tomorrow is school picture day
Can 9 choose his own clothes? Yes
Did I just remove clothes from his closet I don’t want him to choose? Also yes
Wins the Internet today. Night, all…
this kid in kindergarten used to make fun of me all the time, then one day I couldn’t take it anymore so I ate all of his crayons while he was watching. I was so happy when he cried but I kinda regret it cause I ended up losing my teaching job
It’s a good thing I brought poopy bags so my dog can clean up after me.
Brb taking my potted plant for a walk
“And that is tha sunshine, and this is another plant, you guys can’t be friends he lives outside”
A ghost appears in the room. It wants to tell me something, but won’t speak. It throws up it’s hands, as if trapped in another world.
Yeah, great. Just my luck I get haunted by a phantomime.
So narcissistic, I crush on my alt.
God: I made spring time so that all could witness nature’s rebirth!
Satan: I make people scroll down to find their birth year.
WIFE: What did you just do?
CAT: *bolts for no apparent reason*
ME: *bolts in the opposite direction in case she’s after both of us*
coach: what are you doing???
me: you said do 50 singles
coach: singles means jump rope, not 50 tacos
me, mouth full of tacos: wull ith’s too late now brad!
Me: I can’t get the taste of sour balls out of my mouth
Friend: I love those candies
Me: Candies?
LIFE HACK: Answer your phone “Hello you’re on the air” and 99% of the time people will just hang up
I’ve got an aggressive turkey named Winston. While he was in the outside run, I went into the coop to fix the tray on his food dish. The wind blew the door shut and the latch is locked from the outside.
If you don’t hear from me again notify Stephen King of this novel idea.
Guys.You can’t make everyone happy, so just concentrate on me
Me: I always start eating a bunny by biting the ears clean off.
Her: That’s not unusual – I think most people like to eat chocolate bunnies that way.
Me: Chocolate?
zombie kid: why am i being punished
zombie dad: because i found your hand in the cookie jar
“Hey kids, you like candy?” I said to my own kids, luring them into my van so I could get them to school and be at work on time.
me: *dies*
death: welcome to the afterlife
me: how do I get to heaven?
death: *points* go up those stairs
me: what about hell?
death: *points* go down those stairs
me: and limbo?
death: *points* just duck under that bar
*turns around in my chair and I’m stroking a whole glazed ham in my lap* I’ve been expecting you.
I am astonishingly jubilant that I ultimately uncovered my mislaid thesaurus.
Verizon: congrats you get a free phone if you spend $300 for a charger and $30 for a set up fee and $50 for a phone case and $500 for us to not be rude to you.
My favourite part about playing video games is probably thwarting evil. You never get to thwart anything in real life. I like to thwart.