I’m good in short bursts like grenades or gamma radiation.
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Saw a unicorn using a phone booth and all I can think is, who is she calling?
Experts are suggesting you wait until 8th grade to buy your kid a cell phone but I didn’t even have kids back then.
If I had all the money, I would pay people to sneak up behind you and blast a bullhorn right before you hit send on a political tweet.
scientist: what do u know about atoms
me: very little
doctor: your parents were in a car accident
me: how are they?
doctor: they’re critical
me: I meant medically
can’t stop reading about defunct consumer brands
My dog will literally sneeze in my face, but if I dare sneeze in the same room as him, he looks at me like I’ve offended him and 4 generations of his ancestors
interviewer: please, sit down
me: thank you
interviewer: not on my lap
my favorite part of nascar is when I vomit all over my shirt and car after the race., desecrating the logos of the brands that enslave me
stacking up 8 sneezes so I can blow them all at once
I asked my wife what she wanted for dinner; she said “Surprise me”. So I broke a beer bottle across the counter.
I’m still very hungry.
I was supposed to be abducted in ‘03 but my chain wallet got caught on a fire hydrant and they beamed up the squirrel I was feeding instead. God speed tiny ambassador of earth.
Reasons I wish I was an octopus:
1. I could hold every slice of a pizza.
2. 8 votes at the PTA meeting.
3. Stop sign hugs.
There were only 7 deadly sins and then you came along.
Me: I’m depressed
Doctor: I’m going to inject you with dog DNA
Me: How will that help?!
Doctor: Who’s a good boy?
Me: I AM
All animals are wild animals if you give them tequila and lift up their t-shirts.
Because you know I’m all about that data, ‘bout that data. No trouble. I’m all about that data, ‘bout that data. No trouble.
Some people say I’m suspicious and adversarial, and they’d better have a goddamn good attorney.
Whenever I see the words “horse-drawn carriage” I wonder if the horse’s artistic output was limited to means of transportation, or he also did cartoons.
I had three cabbage rolls before bed. No need for an alarm clock.
If you wondered if I was on the naughty list this year, I should probably tell you that the best gift I got was a packing peanut.
Feels like there should be a middle ground
Me: 911? My wife and I have been in an accident and
she hit the windshield!
911: How’s her head?
Me: Her sister’s better.
Cop – Have you been drinking?
Me – No, just taking my photo with R2D2 here.
Cop – Sir that’s a fire hydrant.
The family that dives into an active volcano together stays together.
I watched a woman clean her whole house on YouTube today, in case you thought I lacked ambition.
*sees a newborn baby*
One day, someone will write mean things about you on the Internet
[as i’m getting buried alive by a serial killer] wait stop who’s gonna feed my tamagotchis
Tax questionnaires make me sad. “Still single? Still no home? No kids? Life is meaningless?” Get out of my FACE Turbo Tax
Whenever I think I’m having a bad day I think about the time I ran a half marathon and at the starting line all my music mysteriously disappeared and I had to listen to Sugar by Maroon 5 for 13.1 miles