In my 20’s: might hit the club tonight.
In my 40’s: might go to the grocery store to listen to some bangers.
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Babe, you’re just perfect for me
Except that you’re married, have kids, live 8000 miles away and are probably an obese man
Nothing judges you harder than a cat staring at you.
I saw an Indian asleep on the train, noticed the little red dot on his forehead, and thought, “Is he on standby?”
The downside of having moles on my body is that my wife loves playing Whack-a-Mole.
If I was a sniper, I’d probably spend most of my time looking for cats and making them chase my rifle laser pointer from 2 miles away.
Instead of writing letters, let’s wait a week before texting each other back so it still feels like it
Always leave the cult better than you found it.
*disguises myself as a baby so people throw cheese at me*
I’m out here thumping watermelons like someone will murder my entire family if I pick the wrong one.
Has someone told the whales that they can’t sing for shit?
COMPUTER: Enter password
ME: [types ’14days’]
COMPUTER: Your password is two week
ME: Uh?
COMPUTER: Computer do joke. Computer funny.
Me: *has cold*
Internet remedies:
-feed it
-deep breaths
-stay active
-fast
-don’t breathe
-suspend yourself in mid air
-click like and subscribe
Anyone know the second rule of fight club?
Shaved my legs for the 1st time in forever today. It was like taking a bulldozer to the rainforest. Birds flying out, villagers scattering.
*professes my undying love to my microwave*
*microwave sets itself on fire*
If you’re thinking of getting a hairless cat, go the extra mile and get a catless cat.
Quit my job a few years ago because my boss was an idiot. Now I’m self-employed. My boss is still an idiot.
Because I fall sleep listening to the meditation video, I’ve never actually heard the end of it. They could play Beethoven’s Fifth on kazoos at the end for all I know.
Don’t bring a knife to a gun fight. Also, no outside food, they are so strict about that.
Weather man said all you need today is sunglasses and sunscreen but I think I’ll put some clothes on too.
ME: It’s been suggested that you are the average of the 5 people that you spend the most time around. Over time, you actually become similar to them.
ZOOKEEPER: Get out of the penguin exhibit or I am calling the cops.
me: can I buy you a drink?
girl: sorry [holds up martini] already got one
me: [spits in it] How about now?
Things that are terrifying:
A snake on my hike
Clowns
My 3yo saying: ‘member your dark red lipstick that I like to draw with?
I meant to tell a flight attendant I needed a lavatory but I said laboratory instead, and that’s how I got strip searched at 35K feet.
waiter: any questions?
me: did courtney kill kurt??
him: uh, about the menu?
me: LOL i seriously doubt she killed him about the menu
me: what’s the fish that kills you if it’s prepared wrong
waiter: fugu, but tonight’s chef is very good
me: ok then *closes menu* I’ll come back tomorrow
My 12 year old son is going to his first play with us tonight. I convinced him that everyone wears fanny packs to plays. We had to go buy him one at Walmart, but it will be worth it.
*At the couch store
“How many loads of laundry does this one hold?”
The perfect sticker placement doesn’t exi-
Laundry Day
Me: Tell me about this lipstick on your shirt.
Him: Babe, I can explain!
Me: Don’t care. Just ask her the brand and shade name.