Apparently this was on a digital highway sign in Tennessee yesterday 😎
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me, to me: babe are you ok? you’ve hardly touched your resolutions from last year
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: How come Cinderella was able to talk to the mice but not the birds, cat or dog??
I almost got ran over by joggers. I saved myself by pretending to be a stop light. I got away while they jogged in place.
Laughed so hard tears ran down my leg.
I have 2020 vision. My eyesight is terrible but I can see precisely 3 years into the future
It’s not the amount of followers young GRASSHOPPER.
It’s the quality of followers.
The first stage of a realistic baking show would be each contestant trying to open a jammed utensil drawer.
Programming Skills: PRIMARILY RUBY AND PYTHON BUT I CAN USE ANY TYPE OF GEM TO CONTROL ANY TYPE OF SNAKE
I just wished a Bride-to-be good luck on her first marriage.
She didn’t seem to appreciate my sincerity.
My eye keeps twitching. I’m no doctor, but I feel like eating a large quantity of bread and cheese will probably cure it.
Husband: *trying to thread a needle with far too thick string
Me: That’s not gonna fit, it’s way too big.
H: You’ve said that before, but I have a 7 year old who proves otherwise.
Me: *giggles
7: You guys are being weird again.
He asked me to do something freaky in the bedroom so I stayed awake for two days
The aliens among us mentally scream at having to continue this charade.
“Last night I was so drunk I replied to my own text”
Frenchmen, still hiding inside The Statue of Liberty: soon.
I dreamt there was a program called “tigers in tiaras” and you know what?
I’d watch that
New video game idea: Toddler simulator. Like the sims but toddlers only. Your job is to annoy the hell out of your parents. Touching stuff your not supposed to. Climbing on furniture. Throwing tantrums at random times.
I’m an asshole, but not “jogs in place at intersections, waiting for the light to change,” asshole.
‘Time to meet your maker’ I say, more in hope, as I unpack another box of IKEA furniture.
My dog understands four words: his name, food, outside and Antidisestablishmentarianism.
Confidence is sexy. Arrogance is not.
Pineapple is simply evil. Think about it:
• step on it, it stabs you
• eat too much, it’ll shred your tongue
• put it on pizza and before you know it you’ll find yourself in the psych wardIt’s definitely an unforgiving fruit and I will accept no argument on this.
I once had a broken tooth repaired in France. I still chew with a slight accent.
My wife wants to be something really scary this Halloween so she’s carrying around a tape measure and asking, “is this a load bearing wall?”
[car dealership]
“Why is some guy out there screaming insults at all the vehicles?”*Sees sign PRE-OWNED CARS*
“Oh.”
*watching smart car washed away in a flood on the news*
If it was really smart it would know how to swim.
Me: *petting my cat*
My cat: yes, this is great. Ok stop. I said stop. YOU HAVE VIOLATED THE SACRED TREATY THAT HAS EXISTED BETWEEN MAN AND FELINE FOR A THOUSAND GENERATIONS AND NOW YOUR HAND WILL BE DESTROYED BY MY PAW KNIVES.
Texts delivered by Bluetooth right to your wrist? Not on my watch.
Me: ahahah say it again
The robot I built because I have no friends: hamborgers
Me: lmfao it’s hamburgers, you idiot
The robot I built that no longer wants to be friends with me:
Me: HAMBORGER LMAO
UPS delivery tracking is like “your shipment is on a truck which is currently parked next to your house. Estimated delivery is 9 days from now.”