I hope my boss asks me to draw a bunch of cats wearing top hats today cause then I’ll already be done my work and I can leave early
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Teen boys either use a whole can of axe body spray or none at all. There’s no in between.
I don’t have to worry about my kids TP’ing houses on Halloween because apparently none of them know where the spare rolls are.
WAITER: whaddaya have?
DADDY: go ahead son, tell the nice man what you want to eat
TODDLER: *extreme slingblade voice* you got any o’them french fried puhtaters? mmhmm
[wedding reception]
BEST MAN: *making a toast* please raise your glasses
CLARK KENT: oh no
Son, I’m not a mad scientist, just a disappointed scientist.
I’m trying to become a vegetarian so from now I’m only eating seafood.
Like lobster, prawns and drowned cows.
That scene where Scar kills Mufasa only it’s me to the crumbs on my shirt
a broth-er is the best relative to help you make soup
sometimes i don’t spot my typos until it’s toilet
Inventor of wicker furniture: I want this to break and injure someone eventually
Give me a microphone and I will love you love loudly.
I lost my job as a surgeon.
Apparently, I shouldn’t have left unfinished work over the weekend.
A scrub is a guy who thinks he’s fly.
[I scramble to take off my full-body fly costume]
Customer: We are never coming back!
Me: Promise?
Even if you’re really tired, never try to hold your eyes open using toothpicks. DAMN YOU 1970’S CARTOONS AND ALL OF YOUR FALLACIES!
What if “my anaconda don’t want none unless you got buns, hun” was just Sir Mix-a-Lot saying that his pet snake is a picky eater and prefers bunnies.
Not to brag, but my kids just unloaded the entire dishwasher without me asking, or without them noticing that the dishwasher had not been run.
[diner]
ME: I’ll have the eggs, please
WAITER: how would you like those?
ME: painted and hidden for me to find, thank you.
[starbucks]
me: can i take some wifi home with me?
barista: um. sure(?)
me: [holds tupperware container in the air & closes lid] thanks.
[restaurant]
date: you wanna split the bill?
me: don’t be silly!
date: oh wow thank you
me: for what?
A lethal injection that takes two hours has no place in a civilized society. And it shouldn’t happen in Arizona either.
ME [licks finger to turn page of the book I’m reading]
WIFE: You’re ruining that Kindle
At first I felt loved when the wife called me a trophy until I saw her google taxidermist
Hey girls: FYI, if you tilt the camera up just a wee bit higher you can actually get your face in the picture.
I don’t think it’s real blood, it looks like red paint
-my kid, examining the plastic ax that came with his Halloween costume
If a tree falls on your ex on the woods and no one hears it you should still get rid of the chainsaw.
..Just in case!
I don’t even check my bank account no more. I just swipe my card and if it’s god’s will money will be debited
Coffee so hot you pretend not to notice it when you’re out with your wife.
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m a pharmacist
Me: so farm assist like milking cows
Date: no like drugs
Me: oh
Date:
Me: how do u milk drugs
“We are Three Percenters. We are everywhere.”
If you are only 3% you cant be everywhere.
It literally says so in your name.