Twitter fine art
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I hate when people say, “Don’t worry about the things you can’t control.”
UMMMMM……HELLO!!
That’s exactly what I’m worried about!!
What jugglers do best
1. Juggle
2. Make people who can’t juggle feel bad for not being able to juggle
I did a bad I need to share
I broke a thing they can’t repair
I tried denial I tried despair
But settled on a vacant stare
i identify as a library so can u be quiet around me pls
Reporter: Is it true you delivered a pig with TWO heads?!
Farmer: Yes I did
Farmer’s second head: WE did
Two things I have learned at the beach:
1. Surfers are some of the nicest humans on the planet
2. Pelicans are the honey badgers of the bird world. If you’re standing next to a fish in the ocean, they don’t care one bit. They’ll dive & splash one foot from you & eat that fish.
“1-1-9, what’s your non-emergency?”
Caller:
“Just kidding, you dialed it right. Thought you could use a laugh right about now.”
HIM: [awkwardly] wanna go see a movie?
HER: sure, sounds great.
[next day]
HIM: could i maybe come with you next time?
After years of music lessons my kid asked me what an F hashtag was so clearly I can stop saving for Juilliard
A cashier could hand me a receipt & say “go online and fill out the survey and in a week they’ll deposit $10M into your bank account” and I still wouldn’t take the damn survey.
I wore a Not All Who Wander Are Lost t-shirt to church, and they still asked what I was doing in the fellowship pantry during services.
I never thought you could get your hand stuck in a ukulele
But here we are
Before records were invented, people used to say: u sound like an opera singer that keeps repeating himself
[first date]
Me: I collect taxidermy
Him: Really, taxidermy?
Me: It’s a family thing[later, at my place]
Me: Feel free to hang your coat on my stepmom
When something is boring we shouldn’t call it vanilla. Vanilla is a rich and complex flavor. When something is boring should call it “red velvet.”
My tinder profile shows me crying holding a mediocre fish.
Twitter creates a false sense of intimacy because who else spends as much time with you in the bathroom?
I asked my doctor if I need to cancel my birthday party, but she said that’s only for events over 10 people.
“Welcome, Mr. Bond.” I say, spinning around on my chair. My elbow catches the glass on the table and spills water all over my death ray.
Take your ex out tonight (one bullet oughtta do it)
“The fridge door is open!” I yell from upstairs because I’m a woman and I can sense these things.
recruiter: u should join the army
octopus: buddy I’m army enough as it is
Imagine us having sex..
Wrong, more lasagna.
Gas is so cheap right now, I just buy a new car when I run out.
i can’t wait that long
thanks, but I’M TOO FAR AWAY FOR YOU TO BE HOLDING THE DOOR OPEN FOR ME WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS STOP IT
My neighbor was yelling at her kids so I joined in by repeating everything she said.
Anyone who has ever said “I’m just going to let these dishes soak” has no intention of doing those dishes
Message to my Haters: i hope you wake up nineteen minutes before your alarm goes off tomorrow