Been getting into gardening lately and I think it’s going well!
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INTERVIEWER: On average, how often do you miss work?
ME: *sweating profusely* NO ONE SAID THERE’D BE MATH
I show dominance by ordering something completely different after asking you what’s good here.
Why did humans stop making constellations? What’s stopping us from pointing at a pattern of stars and going “that’s Cher.”
[first date]
Her: The menu is in French.
Me: Allow me to order for you.
Her: Sure.
Me: Mÿ dâtę wòûld líkê thé chėésëbûrgęr, plæsê.
my doctor: you should snack less, it can really hurt you in the long run
me: *nodding* no more running, got it
Hairdresser: How much should I trim off the back?
Me: Leave it long enough for him to wrap around his fist twice.
dvd? why are the Ds fighting??
The Twelve Days of Christmas would cost$107,000 this year which is relatively cheap considering the amount of human trafficking in the song.
the person who wrote the program that estimates how much time is left on a software update did not take their job seriously at all
Just tried a kids meal in McDonald’s. Unfortunately, her dad chased me away before I got any of her chips.
Kidnapping is a dumb crime because you’re literally forcing yourself to hang out with someone
I’m babysitting my 2 yr old nephew today and when I told him he couldn’t eat ice cream for breakfast he told me “you’re not my best friend anymore” so we compromised and now he’s on his second bowl of ice cream and I’ve gained the title “best friend in the whole wide world”
I’m more of a homeless romantic.
Given their destructive force to homes, kids’ birthday parties should get names like hurricanes do. Birthday Party Hugo.
Nothing says “I enjoyed the taste of paste, fingerpaint, and crayons in first grade” more than a potato chip bag opened from the bottom.
me: listen pal no one talks to me that way
guy with british accent:
The folks who write fragrance commercials must be like “I had the weirdest dream, Imma put it on TV.”
When I’m in a plane that’s full of white people, my new favourite thing to do is to spot another Sikh and shout out loudly to him “Don’t forget our mission”.
Weird how I can’t seem to reach anything at the grocery store when bearded men are around
[movie trailer]
IN A WORLD OF ANIMAL NOISES
*distant oinks and moo’s*
ONE OLD MAN KNEW THEM ALL
*dramatic music*
BUT BEFORE HE WAS A MAN
*slow piano music*
BEFORE HE HAD A FARM
*flying shot of rolling hills*
HE WAS…
*extreme close up*
YOUNG MACDONALD
[coming soon]
Modeled nude for an art class today at my local college. They didn’t ask, I just felt like it.
Terribly Tuesday.
I don’t even want to know why.
3yo: Who ate all my chips?!!
Me: You ate all your chips.
3yo: I’m so sad all because of my own self.
Me: Buckle up, it gets worse.
Is Bowser a kind of turtle that has spikes, or is he in some kind of turtle youth movement that wear spikes and wristbands and harbor bad turtle attitudes
Cat: *sitting on arm of chair watching in silent fascination as I search my house for my missing phone for 10 minutes*
Me: *exasperated, sitting down on couch* I can’t find it
Cat: *getting up, stretching lazily, jumping down to reveal he’s been sitting on my phone*
“I wouldn’t touch you with a thirty nine and a half foot pole”
-Families making Christmas plans in 2020
looking for new reply guys.. mine are sleeping on the job
*Shakes wife awake
“Honey. I’ve done it. I’ve invented a time machine!”
Wife:Omg kill Hitler!
“What? It’s a time machine: it tells time.”
STEWARDESS: omg the plane’s about to crash but the SOS message can only be 140 characters! what are we going to do??
ME: *slowly stands up*