sisqo: [filing a missing persons’ report] she had dumps like a truck
cop: i keep telling you, i don’t know what that means
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me: what kind of plane do you fly?
pilot: private.
me: it’s ok i won’t tell anyone.
Remember how judgey we thought we’d be if our kid said “wow! My teacher drinks a lot”
You’re either part of the problem or the entire problem.
[prison]
So, what are you in for?
*flashes back to trying to collect and breed crows*
“Attempted murder”
When I die, I’d like my coffin to be filled with Reese’s Pieces so on my headstone it can say “R.I.R.P.”
Beyoncé: Ok now ladies let’s get in formation.
Ladies: Information about what?
Beyoncé: Dammit, ladies, we went over this.
If he marries someone else, raises a family, and leads a very fulfilling life, maybe he’s just not that into you.
I spent the entire summer before 6th grade obsessively playing world of warcraft and I felt so weird being like very clearly the only child in my guild so I pretended to be in my thirties with a boyfriend and everyone was so nice to me I ended up announcing my fake engagement.
Me: What is the opposite of truth?
My kid: Dare
Me: okay
Me: wait what????
Google reviews are always so mixed..
[before kids]
“Man, I’m going to be such a chill parent”
[3 years in]
“IF YOU DON’T SWALLOW THAT MILK BY THE TIME I COUNT TO THREE…”
Know Your Time-Related Abbreviations
B.C. – before christ
A.D. – after dhristA.M. – after midnight
P.M. – pefore midnight
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with one of those fainting goats.
Can’t decide if I want to join a cult or a woodchipper.
I’m sorry I put a collar on your baby. I thought it was a Pug.
What do you call a really small strawberry? 🍓
Strawbarely.
#StrawberryDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Of course, golfing is a dignified sport..
except for that time I got a cart stuck between two trees.
Your mission, Ethan, should you choose to accept it, no pressure, mind you, 100% your call, can’t stress that enough, you and I are cool either way, but in any case, there’s this plutonium…
My daughter watched a trial of mine today and when it was over (expecting praise and adulation) I said, “Wellllll how’d I do?”
Her, “You sure did lead your witness a lot.”
Pretty busy at the gym this morning. I’m 6th in line for a selfie.
*rushing into work*
sorry i’m late. one of my apostles betrayed me last night
Always getting threatened with “I’d do bad things to you”, never anything useful like, “I’d clean your kitchen” or “I’d do your laundry”
Her: You enjoy silently judging everyone, don’t you.
Me: Silently? No.
Sure laying me down on a “Bed of Roses” sounds all romantic and shit, but I much rather lay on a bed of fries and onion rings.
Tried to pull up my sleeve and accidentally punched myself.
It’s okay, I’ve had it coming for some time now.
I miss being the age where the most devastating thing in the world was when my sandwiches got cut into squares instead of triangles.
[rejected dialogue from star trek II: the wrath of khan]
khan: revenge is a dish with a dried glob of food on it that won’t come off no matter how hard you scrub
[sees hot girl in bar]
me: [takes wedding ring off] so… do you come here often?
her: give me back my ring
Batman: [sees signal] what’s the emergency
Commissioner Gordon: why weren’t you at my birthday party
What I lack in legs I make up for in forehead