In Transylvania, it’s your Count that votes.
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*about to kiss girl*
*butterflies in my stomach*
*I vomit, thousands of butterflies fly out*
*they pick up the girl and fly away*
Man not ag
Going to the place where all the good snacks are: The Gas Station
Current fitness level: my arm gave out while blow drying my hair.
My 3yo, who has to have everything read aloud to him, opened a fortune cookie tonight that said, “The path to success lies in taking a bath without fussing or throwing water out of the tub and getting out nicely with no crying.” what are the ODDS
Magneto: Never trust a beautiful woman, especially one who seems interested in you.
Me: *on the couch eating Ruffles in sweatpants* Yeah.
ME: I just crossed into Arizona from California & was on standard time for 15 hrs but you don’t move the clocks here so I lost an hour gained it back & will lose it again when I leave tomorrow.
AZ STATE TROOPER: You were doing 85 in a 70.
ME: That won’t happen until yesterday.
“What charities do you donate to?”
“I mostly just leave sunglasses all over the world.”
My wife said I need to grow up.
I was speechless.
It’s hard to say anything when you have 45 gummy bears in your mouth
the beatles: all you need is love
haddaway: I have a question
*during sex*
Him: come on baby, moan for me….
Me: why didn’t you unload the bloody dishwasher like I asked?
*blows bubbles in your face to distract you as I take all of your tater tots*
Babe, can u vacuum a Chess board into the carpet again? the guys r here for a lifesize game
*guys standing around in armor & kings outfits*
If it looks like a duck & swims like a duck & talks like an angry duck policeman, then you about to fail a sobriety test son
OBI WAN KENOBI: These are not the droids you’re looking for
GUARD: [licks lips] I’m not looking for droids handsome
If you give your opinion while cleaning a pair of reading glasses people will think you know what you’re talking about.
frodo: [doesnt know how to get to mordor, doesnt know how to fight, doesnt know who he should actually trust] i need to do this alone
My prescription isn’t ready, so three toddlers at this pharmacy just learned the F word.
Every time I go through airport security I’m terrified that I accidentally packed a bomb.
Me: These books are half price.
Wife: Yeah.
Me: So I can save money.
Wife: Uh huh.
Me: By buying ten times as many.
Wife: NO.
hi, grandma? can u come pick me up from my rap battle? it’s over. no, i lost. he saw u drop me off & did a pretty devastating rhyme about it
Whenever I see someone crying in public, I figure they won Coldplay tickets.
them: can i call you? It’s really difficult to convey in a chat msg
me: try harder.
*dresses like a kitty*
*climbs tree*
*waits for new fireman husband to come rescue me*
the man next to me at this airport bar just sent at least 30 cry laugh emojis to a person in a text while he sat stoically drinking a heineken
[throws grenade into enemy trench]
Me: shit, give that back. That was an avocado
Me: I killed another one, boss.
Mob boss: You don’t work for me.
Me: I volunteered.
Mob boss:*Looking angry*
Me: I’m gonna get back to work.
Me: you want to end the date night with some bubbly?
Wife: sure
*I pour vinegar and baking soda into the volcano*
Wife: this is so romantic
At this point I feel like MTV is just trying to scare old people.
I once went to a party with 10% battery life on my phone so you can shut the hell up about your “scary” battle at Normandy, grandpa.
No, it’s totally fine grandma. Nobody else needs to use the stairs today