It’s curious how kids are always *really* hungry right before dinner and right after dinner, but never during actual dinner.
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*registering with a doctor*
Receptionist: “Thanks for filling in the form – you’ve missed the next of kin section”
*batman runs out crying*
With less than 1 day to go..
Mummy, I want everything that is art in the whole world for Christmas. Ok?
*growing up in a family of six kids*
Love you dad!
Dad:
I had the best time at the carnival last night until a local told me that burned down thirty years ago.
[first day as a loan shark] I’ve got you down for 500 sharks
writer: you know how cats chase mice?
producer: yea?
writer: this one has a twist
producer: *leaning back* go on
writer: the mouse outsmarts the cat
producer: *slamming hands on desk* preposterous!
writer: i call it tom & jerry
producer: *wiping tears* those are my names
I’ve discovered a magical land through the back of the wardrobe, it’s inhabitants are similar to my neighbours, albeit a lot more hostile.
Being on vacation with kids is a great reminder why you should never be on vacation with kids.
it’s not abuse if the substance likes it.
I could probably survive about a week in the wilderness eating only the food I spill on my shirt any given day.
Before carbs: Hates everyone
After carbs: Hates everyone but is fat
Do what I say and everyone gets hurt.
The worst part of getting a chain wallet for your birthday is that now you have 3 days to send 10 chain wallets to your friends.
What’s that, Lassie? Where’s Timmy? The butcher’s? I hope you’re right this time, gal, there was no sign of him at the dog run or frisbee store.
What’s the difference between a sweet potato that you take out of an oven and a pig you throw out the window?
One is a heated yam, and the other is a yeeted ham….
Guess who just typed “the end” on his first manuscript! Yep, “the end” is the title of my debut novel. Only 49,998 words to go and I’ll be finished!
Hey babe, are you a voodoo doll? Because I feel like stabbing you.
when you order from DoorDastardly
I’m sure a spider is never scrutinized for spending too much time on the web.
Because of social distancing if someone cuts you off and gives you the finger you can’t get out and fight them which is why I now carry a jousting lance in the Jeep.
This looks like a job for Superman!
-unemployed Superman reading the classifieds
INTERVIEWER: Under special skills, you wrote “I ain’t afraid of no ghosts”
ME: *sweating profusely* Yeah why, do any ghosts work here?
Don’t you love it when you’re doing a nude selfie in a leather harness and you accidentally press answer on your mom’s face time?
Man: a pack of condoms please.
Cashier: would you like a paper bag?
Man: no thanks, she’s pretty good looking.
I bet the worst part abt being an organ harvester for the black market is having to fill the motel bathtub using that little bucket for ice.
why r babies always crying u don’t even have jobs
People are ruining the word Daddy, my kids are going to have to call me ‘homie’ or some shit.
I’m too immature for adultery.
people see me spend money and think im rich bro im just irresponsible