I really don’t believe all of these women on here are actually named “Sassy”
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Our friends: [just married] we want kids
Me, to my wife: [excited] omg babe maybe they’ll take ours
I’ve been up for 20 hours. There’s no way I could perform surgery right now. Mainly, because I have no medical training.
Sleep deprivation- because sometimes you cant afford drugs or alcohol but still want to feel delusional and irrational.
SERGEANT: we need you to take out the sniper
ME: [stops licking ice cream cone] now?
wife: sure is nice around here when the kids are out
me: mm hm
wife: quiet
me:
wife: calm
me:
wife: peaceful
me:
wife: no witnesses
me: what
If my dog knew how many photos I have of him sleeping, he’d file a restraining order against me.
I’ve saved $7982 in movie theater popcorn by switching to Covid
Tim Cook: “We’re excited to annou-”
#Apple fans: “We’ll buy it.”
Tim Cook: “Let me fini-”
Apple fans: “We’ll buy that too.”
#iPhone6
Classic German Shepherd 😂
Wife: whats that?
Son: I painted a picture of a cat
Wife: it’s very good
Me: if it was very good you wouldn’t have needed to ask what it was
Me: I’ve got mismatched socks do you think that’s ok
Wife: I don’t think anyone’s gonna notice
Me: I’m gonna tell em
How much for the soulmate?
Ma’am, that’s a bag of Doritos.
“I just can’t help myself!”
—paramedic on his deathbed
We DID NOT walk 500 mile.
And we WOULD NOT walk 500 more.~ The Disclaimers.
Parents who say they’re going to the store for smokes and never return, what’s wrong with you? It’s your house. Send the kids for smokes and change the locks.
a girl at starbucks complimented my lip gloss. i didn’t have the heart to tell her it was grease from the rotisserie chicken i just ate in the parking lot.
My teen would like you to know I ruined her life when I did her laundry today.
Never ask a girl “How are you single?”
BECAUSE THEY WILL SHOW YOU
If our bodies are the result of “intelligent design,” explain sneezes.
I’ll wait.
[being murdered]
Two Murderers: *trying to kill me at the same time but their stabs cancel out*
Me: *becomes even more alive*
Her: Make your own Pizza Rolls.
Me: It says: Not to operate heavy machinery while using this medication.
Her: It’s an oven not a forklift.
I’m a postman, and when I’m delivering a package which is obviously drugs, I just keep the drugs for myself, what are they going to do? Complain that the postman stole their drugs?
Don’t be fooled by what your kids will eat at someone else’s house.
When I kiss a girl, sometimes I dont know what to do with my hands, so I slow clap behind her head to make sure she knows I’m enjoying it.
[answers doorbell]
me: omg
mark zuckerberg: [swinging nunchucks in a mildly threatening way] what u got against notifications, bruh
Imagine a guy named Kyle walking into Starbucks. You’re a racist.
When a Honda Element crashes into another Honda Element it becomes a Honda Compound.
My mom texted me asking what “DTF” meant and I told her “Dedicated To Family”…I seriously can’t wait for her to use it.
doctor: this may hurt
me: june doesn’t look much better
Do you think swordfish are down there just jousting each other with their face all day or what