What if T-Rexes really had long boneless tentacle arms and we didn’t know because we can only find bones?
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lucifer: let’s give them free will and see how they choose
God: nice lol I’m gunna steal your idea and send you to hell
lucifer: what?
[dental office]
Me: I’m going to need some laughing gas.
Receptionist: Your appointment isn’t for 3 months.
Me: Is that a yes?
Imagine working hard to buy a home and then, out of nowhere, deciding to let a bunch of tiny idiots live with you rent free. Welcome to parenthood.
my Playstation got stolen… i have no one to console me.
Why do people insist on saying “You’re next” to me at weddings? Do they not realize how serial killery that is?
If you watch “Jaws” backwards it’s a heartwarming tale of a zombie shark who fixes boats & reunites families by vomiting up their missing friends and family.
(Sigh)
I used to float like a butterfly and sting like a bee.
Now I sleep like a bear and eat like a horse…
Hitting someone with overdraft fees is like whipping a footless man because he’s not running fast enough.
[home alone]
murderer: [creeping up behind me]
me, loudly: i hope no one’s about to stab me cuz I’m thinking about making cookies later!
murderer: [pauses] what kind?
Tried to pull up my long sleeve but my fingers slipped and I punched myself in the chest. My husband really hit the jackpot.
Moderation is good as long as you don’t overdo it.
Oh no I got so excited that you texted me that I accidentally replied 11 thousand times and then swung into your house on a rope
if your religion infringes on people’s rights; sorry, you’ve had hundreds of years to change everyone’s mind- obviously that hasn’t happened
When I had no money, I had few friends, but no enemies
Btw, I still have no money, in case you were thinking of becoming my friend or enemy
I saw that post about caramelizing onions taking 90 minutes and i just want to know why that person found every onion in the tri-county area and put it in a small cast iron pan
It’s like yeah, guy, if you put eighty onions in a thimble, it’s gonna take a fortnight to caramelize
It takes an entire village’s whiskey to raise a child
You can lead a horse to water and if he walks on it congratulations you found horse jesus.
I should get something accomplished, but the cat wants me to sit with him right now.
[first day as a cashier]
*intercom* can I get a price check on…die john mustard.
Him: why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near?
Me: *covered in peanut butter and bird seed* it sure is a mystery.
You’ve attempted to log into your online subscription of Psychology Today, please prove you’re not an imposter.
*hops in time machine*
him: where ya going?
me: 1988..this kid roasted me and I said oh yeah well shutup and BOY DO I HAVE THE BEST COMEBACK NOW
I often wondered what it’d be like to be married to an idiot.
I asked my wife and she said you get used to it after a while.
WAITER: what can I get you?
ME [noticing a man rubbing his stomach heartily]: ooh I’ll have what he’s having
WAITER: right away sir *starts rubbing my belly*
If you add ‘ish’ on the end of the time, you’re not really late.
All I’m asking is, has anybody heard from Captain Planet since David Attenborough arrived on the scene?
I have all of the qualities men want in an ex-wife and none of the ones they want in a girlfriend.
Like Carrie at the prom but it’s just me after a spaghetti dinner and too much red wine.
We built this community from the ground up as opposed to choosing a point in the air and building downwards from there.
[Creation]
ANGEL: Ok, bats are done. We just need to decide how they sleepGOD: [on his phone] Hang on
ANGEL: [writing] Bit weird but ok