*holds in gut when stepping on a scale*
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Me, running into a mom friend at Trader Joe’s: oh your hair looks fabulous! Have you done anything different?
Her: Oh thanks! That’s the lice treatment
Instant pancake mix box: just add water
Me: sounds easy
Oh no, too thick [adds more water]
Oh no, too runny [adds more mix]
.
.
.
*Three hours later* a lovely breakfast of 137 pancakes
Maybe it’s love, or maybe she just can’t unclasp that damn bracelet on her wrist without help
Embarrassed that our five year old walked into the bedroom at 2am and saw us pulling the blanket to hide our phones and cheese sticks
Welcome to your 40s: that was a good cookie here’s four pounds.
I think about this a lot
People really don’t fall in wells like they used to.
-That toaster oven looks worn out. Why are you still using it?
-Sentimental attachment.
-It just caught fire.
-Aww, just like old times.
Describing the weird dream I had over the Walmart intercom until the police are called
Bad idea? Son, I got married in my 20s. Ideas don’t get any worse than that.
today a banana gave me heartburn and all i’m saying is m&ms don’t do that shit
me: i lost my luggage.
airport worker: did you carry on?
me: *sigh* how can i?
Interesting how Lassie always happens to be at the scene when a kid “falls” down a well.
Boomers: we don’t share our feelings.
Millennials: we share all of our feelings.
Gen X: feelings?
Son, your mother and I looked at your browser history. Frankly, it’s not pretty. Do you for real need a walkthrough for Call Of Duty
What do I “do for fun”? I’m an adult. It’s a good day if nothing breaks in my house, I don’t need Ibuprofen, and my favorite laundry detergent goes on sale.
me: what’s your sign?
chef: spisces
Go to the bar with you? Sure dude but know in advance that I’m the worst wingman since Icarus.
*starts the “Fight Fight Fight” chant in the background of the conference call as two people argue*
I was musing to someone about the irony of being a surgeon and having a phobia about touching raw meat (especially chicken). I don’t have a problem touching raw human though.
Anyway, thats how I learned people don’t like being referred to as raw human.
Reckon the first person to make popcorn by accident probably ran away for a while.
Boss (about to fire me): I don’t know how to tell you this
Me: *suddenly behind boss, whispering in his ear* Try using your mouth, genius
RIDDLER: riddle me this
TODDLER: *does Todd stuff*
HER: I wanna be your everything.
ME: That’s great, cause I need a therapist.
HER: No, not like-
ME: So doc *lays on couch* I feel like my girlfriend’s moving too fast.
Working from home really jumps up a level when your boss texts you to ask if you saw her email yet, and you’re at TJ Maxx trying on jeans.
broke: live-action auditions where you have to do shit like “memorize sides” and “look like an actual person”
woke: voiceover auditions where you get to do shit like “never have to leave your home” and “record in the nude”
If there’s karaoke or no karaoke I’m not going
The name “Boeing” makes so much sense now considering it’s basically the sound of something hitting the ground and bouncing.
Computer: Do you trust this device?
Me: Why? Is there something you’re not telling me?
Every time someone says “it’s a vibe” I wish there were loopholes where murder was legal.