cornerman: get in there and hit him right between the eyes
boxer: but there’s SO many eyes
mr. potato head: *cracks knuckles*
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Whoever can shoo the lizard out is the alpha in your house
My 6yo asked if she could read me her book on our ride home. I said sure. My 6yo with her best outside voice, “table of contents!” Oh boy, it’s gonna be a long ride.
The real slim shady: [sitting in a bean bag] oh no
It’s kinda like i’m a shopaholic but with alcohol instead of clothes.
[gf takes pregnancy test, starts crying]
“It’s negative”
Lemme see it
[reads] ‘Not prego. Just fat. And ugly’
Wow that’s really negative
Everybody’s big on freedom until they find you passed out naked on their boat
But weight, there’s more!
– Thanksgiving
Now that replies are broken this feels like a good time to let everyone know that I’ve always thought Buffalo sauce is sour trash.
Whenever I hear “let me tell you the truth”, I secretly cross my fingers, hoping they say “brownies are healthy, eat as many as you want.”
*takes chip clip off Funyuns bag*
*bites into Funyun, discovers it’s stale*
*throws chip clip across room*
“You had one job”!
why are there sports bars but not cute bars where u can sip wine and cheer for competitive cooking shows?
Those A24 movies with narrow aspect ratios should make use out of the extra space on the sides of the screen. Put up some NFL scores or something
I was 14 before I realized that banana peels and anvils weren’t America’s leading causes of death.
Heard someone explaining how to close a bag of chips and now all I can think about is who doesn’t finish an entire bag of chips after opening it?
Killed another house plant but this time it was personal.
“Did you ever try my hot salty water?” – Inventor of soup
Gonna tell my kids Santa doesn’t come to dirty houses so they have to clean all day tomorrow.
does anyone else pack underwear like they’re going to shit themselves every single day of a trip?
I’ve decided to try water tomorrow, I’m pretty excited.
him: what do u wanna be?
me: I wanna be a cat that transforms into a misty fog when people try to pet me
him: wtf, I meant for Halloween?
Imagine my surprise at the school Thanksgiving “costume” party, when I showed up as Poison Ivy and everyone else was dressed as pilgrims.
Ruin your teen’s day by singing the wrong words to their favorite song.
To catch chlamydia, you have to think like chlamydia.
A poor analogy is like a bad comparison
*Pizza Hut job interview*
“Do you own a shitty car and smoke pot?”
No sir.
“You will.”
I’m boycotting the Olympics because I just heard some sort of misinformation campaign claiming the last Winter Olympics held in 2018 was four years ago.
Nine: There’s safety in numbers
Seven: *ties napkin around his neck*
I have a magical ability to render my daughter instantly and completely deaf by simply saying the word “bedtime.”
My January credit card bill, aka the Ghost of Christmas Past.
Welcome to your fifties,
Your bladder is now in charge of all life decisions.