Having someone sing you to sleep is so comforting.
Until you realize you live alone.
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What light through yonder window breaks…
Oh, wow, the sun really shows up how dirty the glass is!
Life can be compared to a ‘Choose your own adventure’ book.
Sometimes there’s a happy ending; sometimes you get eaten by a bear.
Archbishop: If anyone objects to this wedding…
Prince William: Me! Meghan, I adore you!
Prince Harry: Wut?!!! I adore her!Spin Doctors whip out their instruments & huddle together: okay, guys… we’ve been training for this our whole lives!
My diet was going really well until I woke up.
My coworkers are trying to talk me into doing a Polar Plunge. If I want to be doused into freezing cold water I’ll just have someone flush while I’m taking a shower.
A person’s true character is revealed when the shrimp tray comes out at a party.
*works out for 75 mins
*eats an entire batch of cookie dough
My 75 y/o mom has cataracts & is a bit colorblind now.
She gave my 11 y/o son a pink sweatshirt she thought was orange.
I’m gonna write on the back “don’t laugh I got this from your girlfriends house last night.”
Neither 11 nor mom think that’s funny.
Toddler: *5 minutes of incoherent babbling*
Me: Oh yeah?
Me: hi can I file for an exten—-
My accountant: already done we figured lol
If you take your antidepressant prescription to the pharmacy in your wedding gown while sobbing incoherently, they will fill it instantly.
A good Scotch should taste like how a haunted 17th century wardrobe smells.
[falling asleep, my hand dangles over the side of the bed]
[a pale ghostly hand emerges from under the bed, slides its cold dead fingers between mine]
Me, squeezing back: Awww.
When I die, don’t burn or bury me. Instead, skip my stiff body across a still lake like a smooth flat stone.
Where’s my cell?
“Right there.”
That’s not my phone.
“Yes it is. I cleaned it!”
My cell’s white?
Interviewer: We offer great benefits.
Me: Can I take my two weeks vacation before I start?
FOR SALE: baby shoes, made out of 100% baby
ME: [trying to console a friend whose house has been demolished] Cheer up, bulldozing is the sincerest form of flattery
gryffindor: i only want the bravest
slytherin: i only want the most cunning
ravenclaw: i only want the smartest
hufflepuff: WOW you guys are pretentious
Every time someone thinks I’m younger than I am, an angel gets cake
Meet your new stalker! The good news is I’m middle aged and very lazy. You’ll hardly notice I’m here.
I hate it when I forget to cut the tags off my sandwich and everyone’s like “New sandwich?”
my tamagotchi skills didn’t translate into parenting skills as seamlessly as i had hoped
Me: “Want a banana?”
3yo: “Yes, but don’t cut it up. And don’t peel it. And don’t make it be a banana. Make it be a waffle.”
No. I would not like it if my dog knew how to talk, I taught my daughter to talk now all she does is make fun of me
Swarming gnats, but instead of annoying you, they provide compliments. “You look pretty.” “Dinner was delicious.” “Way to handle that difficult coworker, Chris. We hate her.”
Does the acting in porn have to be THAT bad? I’m not looking for any Meryl Streep performances, but c’mon.
You can’t fix stupid but you can divorce it
WORK FROM HOME TIPS:
Have a routine. Shower/dress like normal. Keep a dedicated workspace. Fill a briefcase with sausages & carry it at all times. Stick to usual work hours. NEVER let raccoons trick you into trusting them with the beefcase: they dont have your interests at heart