When people write, “your dumb,” maybe it’s not a typo–they just mean stupidity belongs to you. “Here’s your dumb now leave.”
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My coworker’s out here matching her water bottles to her clothes and I don’t even match my clothes to my clothes.
9:30am meeting for my new job tomorrow and I really can’t believe people start work at the break of dawn like this.
clark, the office penguin, raised his fin and voted “no” on implementing a “casual friday”.
A romantic thing you can do for your wife is try to get a raccoon to come in your house
I sprayed FeBreeze on the recliner and now my dog won’t talk to me.
take me to the middle of the desert and just leave me there
I just found out my husband doesn’t pronounce the j in pendulum
[gf takes pregnancy test, starts crying]
“It’s negative”
Lemme see it
[reads] ‘Not prego. Just fat. And ugly’
Wow that’s really negative
Unexpected Judgment
Me: Ok I’ll be back in 3 hours.
Boss: No, do it in your own time please.
Me: Ok I’ll be back in 12 Flinglongs.
Fun prank: Tweet “Brb gonna pet the tigers in the zoo” and then don’t tweet for nine years.
I’m doing zoom therapy at my mom’s house while she’s in the other room so I guess it’s dad’s fault today
i just want world peace. and pop tarts to be fully frosted.
Me: *Gets my kids the exact same thing to avoid arguments*
*argument ensues*
*throws smoke bomb, but when the smoke clears I’m just on the floor taking a nap*
Me: I dangle gummy worms out of my bathing suit bottoms and wear a sign that says, “Early bird gets the worm.”
Priest: Super weird, but not a sin.
Me: Go get everyone for dinner please
6: (SCREAMS) EVERYBODY DINNER!
Me: I meant go walk and get them
6: But I like using my mommy voice
Me:
6: The screaming
Me: I got it
so dumb when forks have less than four pokey things. who do u think u are. a threek? ha
If I choke to death on food it better not be anything healthy.
she is beauty, she is grace
she’s got a hotdog for the space
[Bath & Body Works]
Me: I need a bottle of body lotion for my wife.
Clerk: These are Buy 3 Get 1 Free.
Me: I just need this one here.
Clerk: That’s not Buy 3 Get 1 but it IS Buy 1 Get 2 and if you buy this it’s Buy 2 Get 3 Free.
Me [leaving with 300 bottles]: how did this happen
Carrying a tube of pringles like a waiter presenting a fine bottle of wine
so I’m driving back from the shops and I see someone walking a corgi, and it’s pretty quiet so obviously I pull over to say hi, because, you know, corgi, and lads I had fully parked the car and gotten out before I realised
that the person was my husband and the corgi is my corgi
I practice law under my previous husband’s last name bc I built my firm around that name.
Today the Judge called me by my current husband’s last name.
Client: What the hell? He doesn’t even know your name!
Me: That is my last name.
C: WHAT THE HELL I don’t even know your name!
My kid can name 32 crayon colours but when I ask what colour was that car that backed into our’s he’ll say “a bit like my yesterday’s poop”
The hiring manager calling me for an interview just said uhm about 300 times. Does that mean I got the job?
-first day at NASA-
colleagues: 5, 4, 3, 2, 1
me: do you guys do this in every elevator
I wash my whites separately but what do I do with the shirt I was wearing while eating spaghetti.
Me: Go to school!
9yr Old: It’s Sunday.
Me: Go to church!
9yr Old: I’m Jewish.
Me: Convert!
Really? Still no Kate? Has anyone even tried yelling Marco?