My favorite part about the teenage mutant ninja turtles is that they felt the need to wear masks so people would not recognize them at their regular jobs
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[first day as a cop]
MY PARTNER: oh shit, there’s a body in this house!
ME: yeah frank, there are bodies in all houses, that’s where people live
I said “Candyman” 5 times into the bathroom mirror and sure enough some woman came out of the stall and screamed at me for being in there.
my cat frankie loves this weird ugly chair that came with my apartment. it’s gotta be one of his top 3 favorite spots to chill or sleep and probably like every third time i walk in and find him there i go “chairman of the board over here” but he never laughs
I just went to church and had communion. Ok it was a gas station and I had 2 donuts but I did say a prayer before scratching my lotto ticket
One time my dad caught me doing homework and made me eat an entire pack of calculators
Me: I hear you love company?
Mystery: No, that’s Misery
Me: Oh
Mystery:
Me:
Mystery:
Me:
Mystery: OR IS IT
Pretty upsetting that during such times some people are still refusing to take their work home with them, like my kids’ nanny
I just heard that most of the babies recently born in New Zealand take a moment to look around then loudly say, “Ohhh, HELL YEAH!”
It’s never a cool story. It’s always, “how did you hurt your knee?” I don’t know. “Well, what were you doing? “ Walking.
me: I’m at the age where, if I drop something, I’ll just let it hit the floor instead of pulling a muscle trying to catch it
lady: can I have my baby back
Schrödinger’s Dumpster
“Time is of the essence”
Twitter: Hahaha nope
Why did they call it a drawn-on six pack and not an abs tract painting.
[hat shop]
OWNER: Sir stop or I’ll call the police
UNICORN: [surrounded by damaged hats] No one will believe you
With grape soda comes grape responsibility.
Cop: Have you been drinking or are you on any drugs?
Me: Whoa, one question at a time, dude.
Because a fish decided to walk on land years ago, I am now forced to pay taxes and wear pants in public.
[real estate agent giving a tour of my brain]
And here we have yet another breakfast niche
I spent a solid 10 minutes lecturing my kid about not writing on the couch with a pen and she said “It’s a marker not a pen.”
I act like I’m ok, but really this hummus is a bit spicier than I anticipated.
The guy that said laughter is the best medicine obviously wasn’t suffering from diarrhea
I missed two of my mom’s calls, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.
[Boss stands at my desk] Can I see you in my office?
[I stare curiously] You can see me here, right?
Text your dad “egg salad sandwich” four times in one day. He’ll probably think his phone is broken.
[First Date]
Her: I’m instantaneously attracted to men with power.Me: Nice. I just paid my electric bill.
at work when it’s slow and everyone’s mad i like to say “at least we have our health and are surrounded by friends” and everyone gets more mad.
Middle children as adults still trying to get attention because the oldest is being dramatic and the younger child is getting away with everything.
If you love someone, let them go.
If they don’t come back, get a dog.
the family mocked me when I said I was building a rocket to fire the hamster into space, but I notice they all subscribed to the YouTube channel to watch the official launch
AMAZON: Did you buy a watch?!
ME: Yeah, it’s-
AMAZON: You might want THIS watch!
ME: No I already-
AMAZON: ONLY WATCHES FOR YOU, FOREVERMORE