My wife said she’d leave me if I didn’t stop using terrible similes, but like a horse scuba diving, I couldn’t stop.
You Might Also Like
13-year-old: Do you know where the cord is to the electric keyboard?
Me, knows exactly where it is: No.
This woman just stared at the beer in my cup holder, like she’s never seen a cup holder on a grocery cart before.
That water trick was miraculous, but let’s see Jesus try walking on Legos.
I’m a social vegan, I don’t like meet.
her: i love croissants
me: *trying to impress* i’m flaky too
“There’s no eye in Teams” I exclaim turning off my laptop camera
Arcade Fire: great band / nerd way to die
“i hope this email finds you,” she threatened
Got a phone call and the caller ID said NYC Human. That sure narrows down the list of who it can be doesn’t it?
COP: do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: *furiously trying to swallow a mouthful of mattress tag stickers* no
All I’m saying is if you wake up in the middle of the night to pee and see that it’s only 11:30pm, you might be getting old.
yall pray for me, nothing’s wrong im just in college
*middle of a 6 hour road trip,
One 8 year old twin says to the other: “Id roast you, but Mom said I’m not allowed to burn trash.”
My biggest fear of self driving cars is that if I would die on the way to work, the car would still drive me there.
WIFE: I can’t believe you slept with my twin thinking it was me
ME: Cut me some slack – he was wearing your perfume
First date: *puts entire onion ring in mouth* If yo’lik et ven yo’shoulla puh a wring owh it.
People will think you know what you’re talking about if you give your opinion while cleaning a pair of reading glasses.
It’s so weird that AI applications keep getting forced on us even though they barely work. It’s like if when potato chips hit the market, every bag was half full of pencil shavings.
I Know What You Did Last Summer Because You’re Still Posting Pics, Enough Already, Fiji Was Amazing, I Get It
Pre-surgery instructions: Do not wear makeup the day of surgery.
Surgeon: But I want to look pretty.
[text]
Hub: I have to go to the doctor.
Me: Is it your eyes?
Hub: Yes!
Me: Is your vision blurry?
Hub: Yes!!
Me: You’re wearing my contacts.
I was just outsmarted by a revolving door but sure, I’ll be your baby’s godmother.
me: I just want 2 minutes of privacy in the bathroom
my kid: best I can do is a paleontology lecture
That 👊
If you didn’t want a bunch of dads to meander into your backyard, then you shouldn’t have revved up that chainsaw, Dale
professor x: whats your superpower
ostrich: i lay big egg
professor x [telepathically to x-men]: i can save us money on breakfast
ostrich [telepathically]: egg no for sale
Don’t you just hate it when you have a day off to relax by the pool and enjoy a well-stocked pantry but then your neighbour comes home early and threatens to call the cops?
Taylor Swift’s future song about Travis Kelce:
you were the chief, but I don’t follow orders
your mama and me, sharing laughs every quarter
when did you talk to me? before or after reporters
it’s like it all was a dream, oh well, always preferred the chargers
I often worry about the safety of my children … Especially the one who is still awake at midnight and talking back right now.
I can also cook 😂