Why is America trying to bomb the lady who lives in my iPhone she seems nice
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Ask Jesus if he loves me, but be cool about it.
You gotta ask people nowadays, are you single single, mad at your partner single, blocked single or single just in your head!!
I just signed up for a gym membership and sprained my wrist
klingon
*two claps*
klingoff
If I had 3 wishes I’d spend them on my daughter.
Happiness, success and her very own little shithead who refuses to replace the TP roll.
The veggies I bought 3 weeks ago as I reach for another pudding
I’m basically only good at three things:
1. Programming
2. Counting
Me at 5 pm: I wonder how many calories are in this shot of whiskey
Me at 9 pm: HoW mAnY cAlOrIeS iN a 5TH oF wHiSkEy *hiccup*
You can’t give me a mini fan at work and expect me not to spend the whole morning pretending I’m a model doing a photo shoot. It’s science.
This will never not be funny to me.
My mom called and gave me the weekly weather report. I can’t wait to do this to my kids.
Ruin someone’s day by asking to see their tattoo then saying “is it supposed to be crooked?”
Why do we say “say it don’t spray it” and not “stop talking spit”?
When I see people running to catch the elevator I’m on I yell “HURRY! YOU GOTTA SMELL THIS!”.
[dropping kids off at school]
ME: Ok, learn a lot today
KIDS: But school doesn’t start for another week
ME: *speeding off* GOOD LUCK
Instead of the little blue bird Twitter should have used a rooster for it’s emblem.
What could represent this place better than a creature that starts screaming every time a new day begins?
We went on a family vacation and it was a terrible experience. It was all whining, complaining, and tantrums. And don’t get me started on what my kids did.
There’s a woman sitting by herself in the booth next to me at a restaurant and has answered 3 calls and ended all 3 by telling them her movie is about to start. I’m not sure if I should use my batman voice to tell her I LOVE YOU PLEASE BE MY LIFE COACH
Hockey is more enjoyable if you pretend they’re fighting over the world’s last Oreo.
God: *closes a door*
Kids: CHALLENGE ACCEPTED
ME: I think it’s time I get my life in order.
MORGAN FREEMAN: But he would not get his life in order. In fact, he got drunk that night and fought a raccoon.
This dude is ready for anything you could possibly throw his way. He definitely always understands the assignment.
Always.
Stuffed animals are strange like an actual tiger will tear you to pieces but here ya go kid, sweet dreams.
Speed 3: Waitress has to keep talking about the day’s specials or the entire restaurant explodes.
Me: you’re my first customer so forgive me if I’m slow
Bank robber: you’re doing great buddy
“Son, we have to talk.”
“What is it, Dad?”
“You were adopted.”
“Oh my god… Really?!?”
“Yup. Get ready. They’re picking you up in an hour.”
*Eating my third bowl of ice cream*
I really thought this Keto diet would be harder.
Cornhub…
For them dirty farmers.
I’m consistently puzzled by how “you ain’t shit” is an insult while “you’re the shit” is a compliment
Bad day? Listen to 90s rap. Problem solved. Unmotivated? Listen to 90s rap. Problem solved. Don’t like rap? Listen to 90s rap Problem solved