If I saw 99 red balloons go by I’d probably just round it up to a hundred when I was telling people about it.
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Happy mothers day to all the moms out there.
YOU are cold. They have fur.
Do not let inside.
When transporting a hot cup of coffee from the microwave, I highly recommend not sneezing.
Texting you back right away doesn’t make me a psycho.
What makes me a pyscho is watching you through your window while petting your cat.
I’ll never be as smart as I am in the shower.
I just walked into the living room to find my daughter teaching the family cat to play Cards Against Humanity. I think we’ve run out of ways to pass the time.
Do you know that horrible feeling of guilt when you eat all your kids candy?
Me neither.
Minnesota is my favorite state that sounds like it’s a small soft drink.
Some people need a sympathetic pat on the head… with a hammer.
The term minivan implies the existence of a more spacious yet less practical mega van
meanwhile over on facebook
dad: snapping a pic of your grandma in her coffin is weird
me: it’s socially acceptable these days
dad: just hurry up so we can put her back in the ground
mmm onion ringos
A company decided to stop paying its drivers, so one of them parked his truck on the owners Ferrari & left it there.
I’ll bet Waldo owed some people money. You don’t get that good at hiding for no reason.
“any ideas?”
let’s tie a bunch of helium balloons together & then hold onto the strings
“whoa whoa whoa, let’s not get carried away”
Ladies, the word for the day is “legs.” Spread the word.
My wife asked me to bring her home a dozen Roses, and I really hope she appreciates the gesture, because it took 9 hours, 5 nursing homes, and 2 church bingo games to collect them all.
The next person to take my tweets seriously is getting $500
Her: I’m pregnant
Me: WHAT?
H: Just kidding
M: You scared me half to death
H: My mom is coming to stay with us
M: *the other half dies*
[FIRST DATE]
Her: I’m a vegan
Me: [*trying to impress her] People hate me too
Music is a scam. You can listen to all kinds of other noises for free
Me: No guts, no glory.
Skeleton: Wow, I’m like right here.
An interrogator that just goes into the room and loudly eats a peach until the suspect confesses to everything.
my dog stole an entire baguette and hid it under her bed so she could eat it in secret and i am only mad bc i did not think of doing that for myself
90% of my social interaction is just wondering what to do with my arms
me at family reunion: im sick of you being called the cool one
brother who once attended a taping of the price is right: it is what it is
Your proctologist called. He found your head.
There’s nothing like the joy on a kid’s face when he first sees the PlayStation box containing the socks I got him for Christmas.