Me: I guess I’ll take four dollars
Wendy’s Drive thru cashier: That’s not how the dollar menu works
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So women draw their eyebrows on daily, and nothing is said.
I sharpie on a beard for movember and suddenly everyone has something to say.
When I got my new jacket ,they said it was reversible. I tried it both ways ,but I had a hard time working the zipper behind my back
me: thinking about getting into necrophilia
her: over my dead body
me: that’s the spirit
PLEASE stop giving your dogs HUMAN FOOD they are bragging to MY DOG and she is UPSET
Oh you thought I sent you that red balloon emoji 🎈 as a happy birthday message?
No.
I meant that I hope a freaky clown tries to kill you.
I wonder if anyone ever looked Jesus in the face and saw a piece of toast.
“Do you expect me to talk?” He asks.
“No, Mr Bond.” I reply, loading Titanic into the Blu Ray player, “I expect you to cry.”
If the British had won, today we’d all be celebrating the Fouurth of July
what’s the funniest celebrity name if you swap their initials? I’m torn between Wenzel Dashington and Hom Tanks
Wait, so when couples are in custody battles it’s to KEEP the kids? #WTF
My favorite Facebook tradition is when women wish another woman happy birthday by posting a picture together from their wedding. Like happy birthday but this is still all about me.
I’m pretty laid back… but if the bagger boy at the grocery store puts soup cans with bananas and bread again, I’m going to Lose. My. Shit.
Man goes to a Doctor.
“Every time I attempt to pass water it hurts”
“Does it burn?”
“I don’t know, I’ve never tried to set fire to it”
My 5 year plan is to get an amp for my bass. That fish sure does love his energy drinks
I spend 60%of my day worrying that I might have mustard on my face or clothing. The other 40% I am eating mustard.
me: [crying] it came outta nowhere
tour guide: a spider?
me: biggest teeth I’ve ever seen
guide: [panicking] omg a snake?
me: razor-sharp claws
guide: wait… a koala?! so why are you crying?
me: [wiping tears] such a nice cuddle
Gunna get my 600 tweets in early, so I have the rest of the day free to argue with people in person.
The kids wanted the Zero Gravity Laser Racer, a toy car that follows a laser.
I handed them a flashlight and pointed at the cat.
My newest passion is making up sex positions when weird dudes ask my favorite. I’m a big fan of the Flying Lacrosse Kick, but I also really like the Tightrope Nanny.
You collect clowns AND porcelain dolls??
Are you sure you don’t want some help filling out your dating profile sir?
getting a brazilian wax is just getting the rug pulled out from under you
My kids got to know me a little more yesterday. They learned my first pet’s name, my high school mascot, where I was born, my mother’s maiden name. Even after learning all these things, they still weren’t able to hack into my email account.
Home Alone is my favorite movie about how child neglect and bad parenting is hilarious
GOD: How many animals left to make?
ANGEL: 2
G: Ok how many aerial locomotion abilities left?
A: 1
Flying Squirrel: Dibs!
Penguin: WHAT
Losing weight to be attractive is weird. I see you shrunk your body slightly. Now I want you.
Grammar. The difference between feeling your nuts, and feeling you’re nuts.
Me: Ugh, these edibles are crap. I don’t feel a thing.
Cockroach sitting next to me on the sofa: Tell me about it, sister.
[on a date]
*don’t let him know you’re a bird*Him: I’ll drive us. I just had my car cleaned and detailed.
Me: *poops all over windshield*
On Sunday’s I Iike to dress as Satan & stand outside of churches, yelling at the parishioners that it’s not working & I own their soul.
Toddlers can actually be very generous despite their reputation. Sometimes they’ll even offer you the food from out of their own mouth.