I’m white but not ‘sleep in front of a store to save $30 on a television’ white.
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If I vaped, I would 100% become a ninja so I could disappear into a cloud of strawberry watermelon.
death: it’s your time
me: in my dying era
death: what
me: going ghost mode
death: stop
Calling in sick cuz I got the zoomies and gave myself a concussion
[first date]
HER: ask me anything..
ME: are you paying for dinner?
Amazing coincidence how the things I agree with are objectively true and the things I disagree with aren’t
20 yrs from now they’ll make a movie on how Leonardo DeCaprio never won an Oscar. Plot twist the actor playing him wins an Oscar.
I like older men because their sense of humour was shaped before Family Guy was popular
Me: I’m dieting, so just coffee for me
Him: But you put ice cream in your coff-
Me: *glares*
Him: Nothing, you’re doing great.
The “baby” on the left….
The initials of the Sri Lankan players read like DOS commands. MKDIR, CHKDSK.
Women are scary.
Take me, for example…I said goodnight to a guy, weeks ago, and he’s so afraid to say the wrong thing, he STILL hasn’t replied.
My husband said he didn’t want to order dessert but then he ate half of mine so I think we must have entered into some sort of parallel universe or something
me: my new book is fantastic
friend: can i borrow it when you’re done?
me: you can’t color it in twice
Fries should be offered more often like yes your mortgage is approved would you like fries with that?
I’m so tired of being jealous of my friends’ successes. It’s unhealthy and only hurts me. From now on, I’m going to focus on what’s really important: enjoying my friends’ failures.
read this from top to bottom to discover just how much movement your eyebrows are capable of
Why would anyone ever jump OUT of a cake?
Goku in church: “This Jesus guy sounds really strong. I would have loved to fight against him!”
My favorite animal is fried chicken.
How dare you with another bird…😏😂🦜
Friend: [rubs my shoulder] Aw, honey, your life isn’t over. It’s just beginning!
Me: *sobs even harder
Mom: I called you bc I was watching a TV show & thought of you!
Me: Ya? What show?
My Mom (laughing): A show about Aliens!Very funny Mom!
You, an intellectual: Actually it’s not called “Calvary”, its real name is “Golgotha”.
Me: Weird hill to die on, but okay.
My favorite type of women put their jeans on in this way; left leg, right leg, wiggle wiggle jump jump.
The name’s Bondjamesbond. James Bondjamesbond.
I think my husband is beginning to suspect
Of course I dance like nobody’s looking.
But I also drink like I don’t have to work in the morning.
Doing stand up comedy feels like I’m doing a book report on a book I didn’t read.
Fact: There comes a point in every man’s life that he regrets teaching his son about triple dog dares.