“I want to put a baby in you,” I whisper to the microwave over the sound of the infant crying next door.
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Just did a seductive hair flip and an onion ring flew out.
Roses are red, I stole them from the neighbor’s garden.
~poetry
Life Tip: If you get a bunch of tattoos people will never ask you to babysit.
[to a mushroom] ok, pretty cute. but let’s see you without the hat
You know you’re getting old when you scroll down the birthday drop down menu … And it starts going into Roman Numerals.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes. I like to watch.
Netflix: I’m worried about you.
Me: Just play the next episode.
Netflix: When was the last time you saw the sun?
Me: There was an outdoor scene in episode 7. Play on.
*walks up to girl working on her laptop in a cafe*
So you into computers?
I never answer my door because it’s always someone trying to get me to switch to Verizon or someone trying to get me to switch to God and I’m not interested in either of those services
kinda bullshit my iPhone doesn’t recognize my face with food hanging out of it
I’m baking and got molasses on my hand. This is it. I’ll be stuck to something for good in 5 mins. This is how I will die.
Look, I’m just saying it might be financially viable to use rice cakes instead of spray foam insulation
Sick of the media always blaming video games for the rise in fantastical jewel-seeking quests.
I just don’t understand pedophiles, kids are SO annoying.
Someone once told me that I might have ADD, so I decided to look into it. After 5 minutes of research I found out that all the pandas in the world are on loan from China.
[HONK HONK]
…one more honk and I’m gonna…
[HONK]
*gets out of my car*
*walks to the car behind me*
*feeds the driver’s goose some bread*
Ok parents who have really clean houses, do you have outdoor pets and outdoor kids? How does this work?
My 13 yro daughter just asked
What if “Let the Bodies Hit the Floor” & “It’s Raining Men” are about the same event, but from different perspectives?
These days, I just want a manageable sandwich. Nothing that requires strategy.
I’ve been drinking my urine for years, but NASA still refuses to let me be an astronaut.
“There’s more to it than that” they say.
Whatever.
The “oops, wrong hole” excuse doesn’t work when she catches you with her best friend.
Not much is worse than that feeling of going back to work after a lunch…or a vacation…or just going to work in general
I’ve never simultaneously loved something so much and wanted it to shut up as badly as I do with my kids.
I can’t move mountains but I can shift blame.
Sometimes when my kids are following me around the grocery store, I walk in circles around things to test their loyalty.
The most magical part of the holiday season is when my husband looks lovingly into my eyes and says, what did we get my mom for Christmas?
911: what room is the body in
me: I wanna say living room… but that feels weird
Saw a police officer dressed as a pilot today & thought it was weird. Then I realized he must be one of those “plane clothes cops.”
Dear resealable chocolate bag, your confidence in my self-control was truly inspiring. And you were delicious.
I have to lose 20 lbs in 3 days. Piece of cake, I tell the waitress. Chocolate. Thanks.
My kid is running around the house with an open umbrella draped across his shoulders and got mad because I couldn’t guess he was a *checks notes* vampire blaster mechagodzilla.