I don’t moan during sex, I prefer to yodel.
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Me: I need one of those thingamajigs.
Receptionist: What?
Me: You know a doohickey.
Receptionist: This is a—
Me: *snaps fingers* Ah! a triple bypass heart surgery.
Witch: *adding ingredients* Wilted flowers, lizard scale, raven’s breath, and a tear from a virgin.
Assistant: Are we making a potion for revenge?
Witch: No, I’m making La Croix
*watching my hamster gnaw on his tiny broadsword*
you are a disgrace to your lineage and bring great shame upon this house
Jesus needed to sleep in a cave for 3 days and he didn’t even have kids
Just realized I’ve never “axed” anyone a question in my whole life.
I just said “Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary. Bloody Mary” to the mirror hoping that I’d have someone new to talk to
Me: [to 15 yr old] “You already eat?”
15: “ya”
Me: “What colour’d you use?”
15: “I used orange.”
Me: “Cool. I’ll use a white.”
– mac n cheese has it’s own language.
Do not let children style your hair. They are bad at it and everyone will roast you for looking ridiculous.
It took me 15 mins to explain to my 18yo son how to make Minute Rice, in case you were thinking about having kids.
One-upping the deceased by showing up to the funeral in my own coffin.
DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE SO MANY DIFFERENT KINDS OF BIRD SEED? THERE’S REGULAR SEED AND RUSTIC SEED, VARIEGATED SEED, SUNFLOWER SEED, SAFFLOWER SEED. CANARY SEED, GOLDEN MILLET, RED MILLET, FLAXSEED, WHITE PROSO MILLET, THISTLE, SHELLED AND CRACKED CORN…….
Me: I’ve been having a lot of stomach pain.
Doc: You’re allergic to tomatoes.
Me: Oh wow so it’s a mystery then huh.
Doc: Stop eating pizza.
Me: I guess science just doesn’t have all the answers. It’s in god’s hands.
At the disco last night.
They played twist. I did the twist.
They played jump. I jumped.
They played come on Eileen. I got kicked out.
Cop: Do you think you can identify the deceased?
Me *nodding* I bet it’s the dude over there with no head
Just the best dancing sandwiches.
The cast of Big Brother in Germany doesn’t know about covid-19 and they’re gonna tell them in a live TV special. I have to learn German by tomorrow.
Telling my kids this is why dinosaurs went extinct
I named my third child Pi, because having that many kids seemed irrational.
No pizza delivery in prison is the reason why I haven’t murdered anyone yet.
The fact that we don’t use towels to dry towels makes me question the value of towels.
Therapist: *holding up a stack of cards* look at these ink blots and tell me the first thing that pops into your head.
Squid: danger, predator, escape, fear of death, danger, my mother-in-law, danger.
Therapist: still on the first card.
Valentine’s Day makes me realize how single I really am. But I’m still gonna sleep like a baby knowing I’m not getting cheated on.
Wife: Are you even listening to me?
Me: Of course
W: Oh yeah, what did I say?
M: [smoke bomb]
W: I can still see you
M: [Another smoke bomb]
Anyone got any tips on how to conduct an exorcism, but like subtly?
Joe Biden is in the White House kitchen right now licking every piece of silverware and putting them back in the drawer
‘Twas the night before Christmas,
and everyone knew,you were still out shopping,
yes, it sucks to be you.
Covid has the side effect of making us long for a time we didn’t even like.
hey babe come look at the cat. he looks the same as he always does and hes just sitting there. babe come look. hey come look at the cat
dog: *looks at me*
dog: *looks at treat jar*
dog: *looks at me*
dog: *looks at treat jar*aaaaaaand scene
I was cleaning one of my finger guns and accidentally blew a hole through my air guitar.