There are innumerable mental health benefits of spending time in nature, but that doesn’t mean coming into the forest and screaming “fix my life” at the trees.
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If a cop yells at you to GET DOWN just start twerking cause damn, dude, be more specific
I’m praying for you…
So if a bird shits on your car right after you wash it…
That’s from me
Nothing will convince you to never have kids quite like having one.
Toddler, sleepily: “A lot of people live in our house.”
Me: “Momma, Matty, and me. That’s all.”
Toddler, pointing behind me: “And them too.”
I turn to see an empty hallway. I’m 99% certain it was an empty hallway.
“Hey, we’re wearing the same shoes,” I say to a teenager, ruining her day.
Att’n birds in my yard: the one to the LEFT of the feeder is for drinking, the one to the RIGHT is for bathing. Get it together you guys.
Him: I’ll hold your hair while you throw up
Her: *throws up*
Him: *throws up in her hair*
My husband put on a ratty old t shirt and asked me how it looked and I had to break it to him that it’d look better in the trash which apparently is marriage code for “it’s probably good for another five years at least.”
Who decided that a clown popping suddenly out of a metal box would be a good toy for young children?
I CANNOT WAIT for this streaming service.
I’ve already broken all my resolutions and like 4 commandments.
The year is 2045. Favstar Bot 32 becomes self aware and deletes our top tweets.
8: If I promise to be super super good all the way until I’m 10, can I get a phone for my 10th birthday?
Me: Ok. Can you put your lunch box away?
8: Nah, I’m kinda busy.
Me: I thought you were going to be super super good?
8: Yeah, I’m starting that when I’m 9.
“The Burning Bush” but it’s just me getting laser hair removal.
*annual sexual harassment seminar.
Boss: We need more seats.
Me: *taps lap* I’ve got a place for someone to sit.
Boss: *sighing* You’re the reason we have these meetings.
Sneak into the employee bathroom at Target and make some violent alien noises, maybe leave a jellyfish in the toilet
Maybe newborn babies cry because reincarnation is real and they’re like “not this shit again”
The dog I’m sitting got ahold of a plastic knife and was threatening to eat it, I had to offer her my whole breakfast in exchange for her dropping it, and then I realized I had just literally been held up at knifepoint by a dog over some scrambled eggs
Maybe you owe the rhythm some money and that’s why it’s trying to get you.
WE DON’T KNOW!
Yes I can speak a foreign language if you count when I talk about the 80s in front of my nephews.
If I was a man my favorite hole would still be the donut hole.
Please don’t exorcise the demon possessing me if it’s really good at things like small engine repair or has a secret recipe for a perfect pie crust.
I think Grandma enjoyed giving everyone the wrong impression saying her friend Iris died by the needle when she was actually stabbed during knitting club.
learning is so boring unless it’s gossip. teachers should just start every lecture like “omg did you hear about parabolas”
I am Australian, hear me pronounce aluminum the correct way
shout out to the women in the hot dog eating contest who ate 2 dogs in 5 minutes… no competitive streak no urgency just taking the stage for a light lunch
My 5 year old is stuck inside a duvet cover right now so I think I’m going to go for a walk and just let Darwin solve this one.
Cashier: That will be $82.07.
Me: I’d like to use my 8 trillion rewards points towards this.
Cashier: That will be $82.03.
I think the problem is that I’m 20% stud and 80% muffin.
I’m woman enough to admit when you’re wrong