Ugh don’t you hate it when you accidentally leave the volume up on your phone & the next stall hears the *click* when you snapchat your turd
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Cop: please step out of the car
Me: *pulling away* suck it, cop!
Roller coaster operator: he’ll be back in 2 min 24 seconds
“At least you’re going to get a lot of material out of this,” is comedian-speak for, “Sorry about your life, dude.”
“Are you sexually ac-” [my doctor looks up at me] [he marks no]
[reverse psychology]
me: tell me about your childhood
therapist: *crying* where do I begin?
Oh my god
[texting]
you mean the wolf to me
-wolf?
ha! autocorrect fail!
-lol
what i meant to say was…you’re a mean wolf to me
Hate being a funeral director
“why’d u take the job?”
I inherited it from my dad
“You could’ve just declined it”
And lose my first customer?
the ghost that shares the upstairs bathroom with us would like a word
Made the mistake of telling my work wife about my Twitter crush. Long story short, the judge awarded her half the snacks in my desk and my good stapler.
*first day as getaway driver
“I’m gonna make a Starbucks run while you’re in the bank. Who wants what?”
After a series of bad choices I am inside two wolves
Just realized the girl I flipped off in the parking lot is in my next class.. This could be awkward.
uh yeah, I accept. No brainer
“I was exposed to COVID and have to quarantine” is now my go to excuse to get out of literally everything.
Who the hell called them deadbeat dads instead of negli-gents?
if you come out with us you can’t lie about making your own soup
“those days are behind me”[girl at bar 45 mins later] oh cool, what kind?
What if IN DA CLUB was a Christmas Song?
Interviewer: Tell me some of your strengths.
Me: …dare.
no
Me: If the sun has a finite life can we really save the planet?
Wife: TAKE THE RECYCLING OUT!
Her: I think I’m going to call it a night.
Me, looking out the window: Yea, I mean that’s what it’s called.
Me: This recipe calls for one red onion…
Onion: Seize the means of production!
Me: Close enough
Imagine the towering achievements in aquatecture if sawfish & hammerhead sharks ever get their shit together
Lately I do feel like my body and I are in a passive-aggressive fight that’s rapidly escalating.
All my personalities waiting to see who gets to be in charge today
Teen just came out of the dressing room wearing the ugliest top I’ve ever seen so I said ew no to which she answered mom this is literally my shirt that I’ve been wearing all day.
Probably the worst thing you can do to a person is leave them a voicemail.
[at Home Depot]
Cashier: That’ll be $25
Me: Here’s a gift card that should have some money on it
Cashier: *scans card* That’ll be $24.84
Husband: Sometimes I think you love the dogs more than you love me.
Me: (awkward silence)
If you eat guns, you’ll sweat bullets.
It’s science.