Twitter: “New audio and video calling is here!”
Me: “No, it’s f*cking NOT.” *Disables feature.*
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*power walks to the refrigerator*
There’s no such thing as “fair trade” honey. Those bees are gettin’ screwed.
Is the expression “One man’s trash is another man’s treasure?” I want this best man’s speech to be perfect.
My brain knows that there’s a guy doing work on my roof today, but my nervous system keeps acting like the house is under attack.
I’m playing chess against my gardener. Your move, Jesus.
Landlords be like “it’s an old building” alright then I’ll pay old rent, here’s 20 bucks it’s a fortune
o/ = Cheering
/o = The Scream
/o/ = Superman
_o_ = Jesus
lol = I surrender, and I’m laughing out loud about it.
The most troubling examples of sexism, homophobia and racism that I’ve ever heard are things I’ve said driving on the New Jersey Turnpike.
If you’re not sure about having kids, have someone say “Mom!” 100 times before 7am & see if it’s right for you.
Baby Dinosaur: Mama, are we born just to die?
Dinosaur: No, baby. One day we’ll also become toxic fuels for idiot meat robots
You know the sex is bad when you start counting how many bugs got caught in the ceiling fan, and much worse when you only make it to three
My dog, introducing himself to our neighbor’s dog. I’m not gonna tell him.
People who use any other buttons on your microwave besides 30 Seconds default one, explain yourselves!
If you visit Montreal, you gotta check out residential homes. That’s where all the locals go
I may not look like the toughest guy at the bar but I was a psychology major, I studied writing for decades, and you do NOT want me sending your boss a message on LinkedIn
I wonder if the guy who coined the term “One Hit Wonder” came up with any other phrases.
Started to watch Indiana Jones and the Dial of Destiny and I saw the warning that it contains tobacco depictions so I threw my TV in the street. Not in this household.
When you vacuum your kid’s room and it just sounds like millions of Rice Krispies being sucked up
ENGLAND: people are CROSSING OUR BORDERS for ECONOMIC ADVANCEMENT!!!
THE ENTIRE GODDAMNED WORLD FROM LIKE 1583 to 1997: u don’t say
Do as I scooby say, not as I scooby doo.
*me to my dog.
New Mom: I bought my kids’ Halloween costumes back in August!
Well-seasoned Mom: That’s cool. I take my kids shopping on October 31st so they can’t change their minds 800 times.
I’m a girl that your mother could love. From a distance. Maybe you just show her a picture, and make a lot of shit up.
I told my five-year-old she’s due for a performance review and she ignored me. That’s definitely going in the review.
why are you, as a wallet company, giving away a $500 gift card? what am i gonna do? buy $500 worth of wallets?
Did you know?
A cowbird will sneak into another bird’s nest, lay her egg, and leave it for the other bird to raise.
And I’ll be damned if that isn’t the best parenting hack I’ve ever heard.
HOST: Welcome to “Die or Get Killed” the game show that no one survives
ME: Glad to be here, Mort
My date spent all night telling me that she loved Bad Boys – Then seemed disappointed when we got back to mine and I put the DVD on.
My Uncle is either a good taxidermist or a bad vet.
A friend is in jail and I can’t help feeling partially responsible because I framed him for murder.