He died doing what he loved,
sleeping with one leg outside of the sheets.
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*notice roommate’s tampon wrappers in bathroom garbage*
*hides all my chocolate*
[visits psychic]
*knocks on door*
Psychic: “who is it?”
Me: “well this is a bad start”
me: my boss is working me to the bone
my dog: hell yeah
For job interviews, your best bet is to dress as a pizza delivery person, march in and say “Who ordered DILIGENCE and ATTENTION TO DETAIL!?”
You woke me up for only THIS?! I yell at my bladder, pointing to the toilet
DOCTOR: [holding $5 bill] what’s this for?
ME: it’s a tip
DOCTOR: okay but you’re still dying
ME: [hands him another $5 bill]
[jungle book]
bagheera: “you can’t fight him like a wolf, you’re NOT a wolf, fight him like a man”
mowgli: [writes a strongly worded e-mail]
Google “cat”. Tap paw.
– just do it!!
40-26-36.
My measurements?
Naw.
Just the three Chinese meal entrees I’m ordering.
[watching TV]
“Buy her the perfect diamond earrings for the holidays…”
Wife: Those are perf-
Me: *changes channel*
The problem with honey is that I could be in a hazmat suit watching a show about someone in Australia just looking at a jar of it and it would still wind up all over me.
Establish dominance over old people by yelling BINGO when you don’t really have it
The running up the steps scene from Rocky, but it’s a penguin, and it takes four and a half hours.
Son: I’m tired.
Dad: Hi Tired, I’m Dad.S:
D:S: You annoy me.
D: You annoy me.S: Oh, you’re copying me now?
D: Oh, you’re copying me now?S: Who is the parent here?
D: Who is the parent here?S: MOM! Come get your husband.
[husband opening refrigerator]
Me: “What are you looking for?”
Him: “I don’t know, but I’m sure we don’t have it”
May someone of my non-German mutuals explain German Burger King to me:
consequences, the bane of my existence
I only ate one meal yesterday. It just lasted for six hours.
[at funeral] You really had to see him live
INVENTOR: it’s a machine that washes dishes
BOSS: what should we call it
GUY WHO NAMED THE FIREPLACE: i have an idea
*slowly unwraps a candy bar as neighbor talks about her new diet
I secretly hope that twitter keeps extending the character limit as a social experiment, slowly conditioning our attention spans until we’re able to read actual books again
Bank Robber: Did anyone see my face?
Me: *raising hand* I’m pretty sure Barb did.
Was gonna climb over some guy’s arm but then I noticed he had a barbed wire tattoo on it.
Jesus: My God, why have you forsaken me?
God: Lighten up drama queen.
*Moses opens tablet*
You have TEN unread commandments.
Still boggled by the people I know who are going out to bars saying “we can defeat this if we’re not afraid” and I’m like “this isn’t Pennywise it’s a PANDEMIC”
I once dated a woman that said I used to much garlic and I got rid of that vampire right quick
when my daughter asks me how much more dinner she needs to eat to get dessert i like to answer in abstract quantities like ‘the average weight of joy’ or ‘seven sunsets’ to teach her that life often doesn’t make sense and also quit sassing me and eat your peas, kid.
Look sad dragging a kite on the ground at the park and sometimes people will let you join their picnic.