MORPHEUS: April fools!
NEO: ?
M: There’s no Matrix.
N: What?
M: You’ve been drugged, son.
N: WTF
M: We’ve been harvesting your organs.
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[first day as a negotiator]
me: ok
[At astronomy convention]
For the last time, Bob. No one wants to see Uranus.
GUY (whose car died): can u help me? I need a jump
ME (pulling a trampoline out of my trunk): im always prepared for emergencies like this
April 1st is the class clown of days.
4-year-old: What happens if I microwave 5 Barbies?
Me: That’s an oddly specific question.
4: I already know what happens if I do it with 4
Me: what’s the deal with airplane food
Baby: I don’t know it just tastes better when you make that noise
Hostage: [screaming]
Mafia boss: hurry up and tape his mouth!
Me: [still trying to find the beginning of the tape on the roll]
That moment when Exam Invigilator looks at your answer sheet and address whole class
“Students, please make sure that you are reading the questions carefully”
Art teacher: I think you’ve misunderstood. It’s the models who will be nude.
Me: Well this is awkward.
“I hate being half bicycle-half motorcycle” he moped
Buddhist Monk: thinking is the cause of human suffering so we must let go of the mind. This takes many years
me: you want to lose your mind?
BM: yes
me: and you aren’t allowed to marry and have children
BM: right
me: ah, I see the difficulty
Womb is pronounced as “woom” and tomb as “toom”.
It’s only fair that bomb should go “boom”.
I learned two important lessons today. I can’t remember the first lesson, but the second one is I have to start writing things down.
I just want to apologize to all the guys I dated BEFORE I started using Prozac.
And to their wives. And their local fire departments.
Imagine if America cut open the Statue of Liberty and found skeletons inside and it turned out the French had just failed a trojan mission.
People who argue on their cell phones in public should have to do it on speakerphone so the rest of us can get both sides
Is amazed how I go to bed with normal hair and wake up looking like a beat up version of medusa. Am I fighting crime in my sleep? Wtf.
My daughter asked me what a colonoscopy was so I gave her an honest answer. She learned about colonoscopies and I learned I need to be less honest.
She- get lost
Me- *jumps in her wardrobe*
After the floors are mopped no one is allowed to walk on them again… Ever
~Women
me: these edibles aren’t doing anything
lamp: just give it a little time
So glad that Halloween isn’t on Friday the 13th this year because that would be so 2020 am I right?
melted five butterfingers together and made a butterfist
I’ve accepted that I’ll probably never say “I’d love to” without sounding sarcastic.
[scans box of condoms at self checkout]
UNEXPECTED ITEM IN BAGGING AREA
[scans again]
UNEXPECTED ITEM
wtf [scans again]
I MEAN, LOOK AT YOU
“Dog Detective, how can I help you?”
MY PERSON THREW THE BALL AND I CAN’T FIND IT
“Did you check his hand?”
NO HE THREW IT ALR… oh wait
This is no longer an app but a mishapp
I am scared of asking people how old I look cause the idiots might guess correctly.
Women are scary.
Take me, for example…I said goodnight to a guy, weeks ago, and he’s so afraid to say the wrong thing, he STILL hasn’t replied.
My super power is being able to sing along to Pearl Jam without knowing a single word