do my glasses go over or under a balaclava i want to rob this bank just right.
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Lois : Clark, are those binoculars?
Clark Kent : Yes, I can’t find my glasses.
Lois : Put them down for a second.
Clark :
Lois :
Clark : No
[creation]
GOD: You all have a divine purpose
HORSE: I will plow man’s field
COW: I will give man milk
GUINEA PIG: I will test man’s shampoo
[After leaving Willy Wonka’s factory]
ME:
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE: Lot of deaths for a to—
ME: A LOT of deaths for a tour!
[walks in meeting late]
“Sorry I was busy with important-”
SIRI (from pocket): OK here’s what I found on the web for are hot dogs sandwiches
It’s amazing how one freaking mouse can make you clean the entire damn house.
When I’m worried about something, I find that going on a walk is a great way to get outside, breathe, and think of new things to worry about
If anyone breaks in, I take comfort in knowing they’ll never get past the 20 pairs of shoes in the hallway.
I miss going to weddings just to bring home the centerpieces.
Customer Service: Are you ready for your confirmation number?
Me: Yup. *pretends to write it down*
CS: 683648AC4712.
Me: mmm hmm… Ok, got it!
CS: You want to repeat it back
to me?Me: No thanks *click*
ME: [throws bouquet]
FLORIST: i asked you not to do that
Me: I’m depressed
Doctor: I’m going to inject you with dog DNA
Me: How will that help?!
Doctor: Who’s a good boy?
Me: I AM
The correct response to “I love you” is “prove it”
That awkward moment when someone asks you “who do you like to listen to?” and you forget every band in history.
When I saw her eating a whole chicken like it was corn on the cob, I knew she was the one for me.
Dads, when there’s 38 things to do before everyone is ready to leave: I’m going to go wait in the car.
God: take it
Satan: no you take it
God: no you take it
Satan: i dont want it
God: well its no good to me
Me: *kicks a pebble* i have a name
[ bad kitty ]
me: cut it out
cat: ?
me: stop it
cat: ?
me: knock it off
cat: now we’re talking
The irish goodbye: leave without telling anyone
The Midwest goodbye: stand around for 4-8 more hours saying goodbye to the entire party
Not to brag, but I can usually tell if meat has spoiled between 4-6 hours after eating it.
*Struts like a peacock*
I’ll have you know I made it through the meeting without falling asleep
Cw – it was 10 minutes long!
Me – my record, Write it down mister party pooper
I just labeled the folder with my passwords in my computer bag “PW” rather than “Passwords” in case anyone wants me on their encryption team
Me: Shhh, your brother is still sleeping.
4yo: *runs upstairs
CRASH
JUMP
“Wake up!”
SLAM
*runs back downstairs
“No, he’s not.”
Pizza Hut: Hello
Me: I’d like a hot dog bites pizzas
PH: Pick up or delivery?
Me: Based on that order, you think I get off the couch?
A cute thing I tell my kids when we see a dead deer on the side of the road is, “Looks like Santa lost his temper again.”
What if i just replied “not now kitten daddy’s busy” to all my work emails?
Shouldn’t women have a girlnecologist?
Please stop adding touchscreens to cars most of these idiots can barely drive as it is
[being buttered]
Me: are you sure about this
Murderer: [stops buttering] you know what I brought the wrong knife
Ever notice how crickets can be ventriloquists? You think you’ve figured out where they are in the house only to hear that they’re somewhere behind you.
you can talk about any topic for 30 mins if you’re a confident liar