[Shopping with $100]
As a child: Look at how much stuff I can buy!
As an adult: Why is this bath towel $15?
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Dinner: I BIT THE INSIDE OF MY MOUTH! IT WILL NEVER HEAL! NOTHING WILL EVER BE RIGHT AGAIN!
Next morning: Oh, OK.
“It’s better to give than to receive.”
I think while giving myself the cash from my husband’s wallet
Holy crap! This coin looks old as hell!
*checks the date*
It’s 15 years younger than me.
My three security questions:
1. Name of your first shrink
2. Dosage of your favorite medication
3. Name of Dad’s drag queen persona
For $60, I will lift the curse. For $75, I will lift the curse & also get bagels.
wife *comes running out of the bedroom* Kill it! Kill it!
me *runs in*
wife: Did you get it!?
me [has no idea wtf she’s talking about] Yep
When I see a man with long fingernails, my first thought is wizard
My second thought is virgin wizard
Just saw a guy sitting with a Blackberry and a newspaper. I think he was waiting for a horse.
they should put mayonnaise in a spray bottle and called it sprayonnaise. lol the government allows me to vote
The setting my husband selects for our ceiling fan makes me think his end goal is to make me fly off the bed
watching annie with the kids and now they want me to put them in an orphanage so a wealthy person can adopt them
Rejected titles for “The Queen’s Gambit” (2020):
– Knights, Knights Baby
– Pawn Hub
– Mate Expectations
– Checks Mix
– Stop Staring at My Chess!
I’ve been filming the couple next to me on this flight for the last 45 minutes hoping they’ll do something that could go viral. No good content so far (the woman looks very uncomfortable and the man keeps threatening to have me arrested)
July 2019
*buys new dress shoes from .shoes.com*August 2019 – present
*gets 30% off email from .shoes.com EVERY OTHER day*August 2060:
*.shoes.com representative chisels “30% off” coupon code on my headstone*
I am angry but not like really angry. More like Facebook angry where I call you letters of the alphabet. You F’ing B.
Gonna open a store that sells old books and pasta and call it Barnes & Noodles.
Whenever I see someone crying in public, I figure they won Coldplay tickets.
me: here’s an idea. a dishwasher that ‘beeps’ when it’s finished
CEO: yeah. like, twenty times
me: lmao two or three times is more than enou-
CEO: TWENTY TIMES
me: but-
CEO: T̶̨̮̲̱̎͐̾͒͑W̴̨̺̭͛͗͆̀E̸̦̾̇͗͝Ṅ̴̦̪̿̇T̸̩̫̐̾͒Y̷̨͇̯̞̌́́͌ ̵̧̜͚͛̕͘T̶̛̞͑̒͑̅Ḯ̵͚̆̕M̵̫̠͉̀Ë̸͔̝̬́̌̈͘S̶̝̘̓̽͒̒͑-
The first fireman to get called to rescue a cat in a tree must have had the hose wrestled from him before someone told him to get a ladder.
*Knocks on Misery’s door*
Me: Hey! I heard you love company.
Misery *through mail slot*: not you
Pregnant women love it if you go up to them in public and ask if it’s yours
“I really like Eminem.”
” I prefer smarties.”
“No, the rapper.”
“Why would you eat the wrapper?”
#FridayVibes #RubbishJokes
didn’t turn any of my pre-dawn work alarms off bc i thought i needed to panic for no reason on my days off
Boss: And why can’t you come in today?
Me: *at an aquatic petting zoo* I’m feeling a little eel.
it’s crazy you can’t just go to prison. if you want to get in there, you have to rob a gas station there’s no other way
[sitting in airplane exit row]
me: [taps neighbor on shoulder] this power we wield over life and death is intoxicating
“Eating sugar will only make you feel better for a few minutes!” yeah as opposed to not eating sugar, which will make you feel better for zero minutes
[cloud watching]
GIRLFRIEND: That one looks like a ring.
ME: I think it looks like two people taking it slow despite the pregnancy.
why does mommy cry when she cuts onions?
“she feels guilty cuz she stole them. see *lifts son onto lap* your mother likes to steal onions”
Wife: It’s like we don’t even know each other anymore
Me: Not this crap again, Brenda
Wife: That’s not my name