My mom told me not to hang out with bad girls, she never said don’t be one.
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Zombies never bite hipsters.
They taste fine.
We just don’t want to spend eternity hearing them say they became undead before it was cool.
If I gave you a book for Christmas it’s due back at the library tomorrow
If your kid eats the chocolate bunny’s feet first, “so it can’t get away,” that’s your future serial killer right there.
My wife finally got a “Brazilian”.
He seems nice.
At my funeral there will be cake so people aren’t disappointed like me at this cake-less funeral
me: who wants to play two truths and a lie
guy who named the red delicious apple: me first
Then: I will never lie to my children
Now: Your teacher just called and said that if you let me lay on the couch all day then you get 100% in class.
Walks up in da club like
“Has anyone seen my Mom? She’ll be the one trying to cover up everyone’s cleavage.”
I’m OK with people clapping when the plane lands IF they boo when it crashes
[watching This Is Us]
*leaning over to partner*
Me: That is them.
fred flintstone was the first ever man to become a vitamin
Friend: *finger guns*
Me: *looks down at finger knives* oh no
“You use your birthdate as your password?!?! Was ‘1234’ taken?” – me, as a spy.
If you ever hire workmen for anything, it’s CRITICAL you sniff their armpits at the end of the day to make sure you got your money’s worth.
Nearly all murders are committed by someone you know, so you are statistically far safer in life if you don’t have any friends.
My neighbor just told me “I’m going on a date with a new guy tonight. I think he’s in a cult. Still better than the biter.” Every married person should have a single friend who’s still on the apps, the divorce rate would approach zero
Me too, bag. Me too….
Hey u should give your secret boss this Coke. *bottle says “Share a Coke w/ the Drug Maker Guy”* *undercover cop’s fake mustache falls off*
It’s like ten thousand tweets when all you need is a life.
Me: The face is a tortilla. The eyes are banana slices and the mouth is made of peanut butter. His name is Bertram. He’s my best friend.
[12 minutes later]
Me: I have eaten my best friend.
When Billy Ocean takes a vacation, he becomes Billie Holiday.
*gets left on read*
my brain:
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say itme: “it was fun while it lasted”
sometimes I wonder if Einstein’s friends were ever able to say “nice work, Einstein” without sounding sarcastic
* gets mugged *
“Add a tip? | 15% | 20% | 30% |”
me: *eating spaghetti sandwich*
carb god: *rubbing biscuit hands together* goood goood
Codpieces aren’t supposed to made out of fish? Crap! Hang on, then, I need to change.
[first day of ninja school]
“Okay, I can see all of you. Not a good start. Larry, you’re actually carrying a lit torch. Let’s try this again.”
He’s eating a burger and fries all nom nom nom and I’m over here eating a salad all non non non.
[at DMV]
Me: *pushing my way through line* birthday boys first
Guy in line: that’s not a thing!
Clerk: actually it’s on the secret menu
Guy: wha-
Me: oh and uh *winks 3 times*
Clerk: cup or cone
Me: cone pls 🙂
Clerk: *scooping ice cream* here you go sweetie
I met a girl at a club last night and she told me she’d show me a good time.
When we got outside, she ran 100m in 9.69 seconds.