I tried to help by doing my daughter’s hair once and a kind old lady offered her a hot meal and a warm place to sleep.
You Might Also Like
I’m generally an honest person, but if you ask me when I last washed my hair, I will lie like a rug, a rug that hasn’t been shampooed in 6 days.
For my birthday all I want is for folks to strengthen friendships with old friends cus I’ve lost quite a few in the last few years and that saddens me. Also maybe a Camaro.
I’m not embarrassed.
I order my gingerbread latte LIKE A GOD DAMN MAN.
(I send my wife into Starbucks while I sit shamefully in the car.)
It would be magical for babies and toddlers to fly with animals. In that part of the plane.
living with roommates is fun because you get to learn what their parents think should be refrigerated
*scampers over to ice cream truck*
Yes, I’ll take the SpongeBob who looks like he just opened the Ark of the Covenant, please.
I have a pair of furry slippers. I call them shoebaccas. My wife says this is why I have no friends.
Son:Dad’s trick or treating as a ghost in a bed sheet?
Wife:& heels,eye patch & his hand stuck in a Nutella jar. More like a ghost on ambien
Teacher: Why are you late?
Boy: My fish died.
Teacher: What fish?
Boy: You don’t know him he goes to different school.
describing stardew valley
Wife: “How did your first day as a lifeguard go?”
Me: “Amazingly well, thanks. Everyone was so friendly and waving at me.”
Imagining the meeting I call to apologize to my co-workers for posting a video in which I publicly accused them of plotting my murder.
We got caught Brian, just act normal..
I’m scared. I just got poked on Facebook.
Passed a gym sign that said “Have those new yoga pants been to yoga yet?” and I feel personally attacked.
Me: I couldn’t eat another thing.
Narrator: Oh, she ate another thing. And then some.
ME: *smashes bottle into a ship*
MAN: Oh cool, what are you naming it?
ME: I’m not *smashes another bottle* I just hate ships
Astronaut: wtf is this
NASA: it’s space food
A: I specifically asked for only Milky Way bars
N: look we get it but-
A: no no I’m coming down
When you lose your phone and someone says ‘shall I call it’ like my phone hasn’t been on silent for the last 2691 years.
I only have one sex toy. 7 if you search my house and get creative.
Are we doing Secret Santa this year? Because I accidentally bought unsalted butter.
Me: I hate drama.
Also me: Reads all 258 comments on a heated Facebook post thread that is 100 percent not my business.
it was the best of times (adding to cart) it was the worst of times (seeing the total plus shipping)
Hey buddy, if you didn’t want me napping in your pet store you shouldn’t have sleeping rooms filled with puppies.
KIDNAPPER 1: Is he responding to the truth serum?
KIDNAPPER 2: *Walking out of room I was in, clearly emotionally exhausted* He has… just so many Harry Potter theories.
Parenting is watching a foreign object fly into your coffee, sink out of sight, and drinking it all anyways.
Me: *taps one-night-stand on forehead* Unfollowed.
One-Night-Stand: It doesn’t work like that…
Me: *taps him on forehead again* Blocked.
Making sure to loudly declare my love for microwaved fish on Zoom calls so I’m never invited back into the office
“Would it have killed you to brush my hair once in a while?”
-my daughter going through old photo albums